Obligatory Baby Photos December 9, 2008

Screaming Mimi – Nov 2008

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

Since it has been awhile… Here is one of the latest Charlie pics. Here she is doing what she does best since she began teething. Fussing.

Did I mention she’s teething?

Here’s a sweet one.

More Random… December 8, 2008

This is a writing exercise stolen from my Brother’s friend Aaryn over at “thematically fickle.” I regularly stalk her blog and Flickr account. She is a very talented writer and photographer. She is also a very nice lady with a little girl that I want to gobble up every time I see her.

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I live day to day by the skin of my ass. Most days I am so preoccupied that I derive no enjoyment out of it whatsoever. As soon as I blink it is already tomorrow.

I work just hard enough to get my paycheck every other week but not hard enough for a promotion or a raise – that is a-o-k with me most days.

I talk so loudly. I get even louder when I am nervous and I giggle too. I realize it only when someone gives me that look that says “Man, that woman is obnoxious” and then all the blood rushes to my face. It is only 30 seconds of time or maybe less but; it feels like an eternity when that happens.

I wish I had paid more attention to the love I had instead of longing for the love I was missing.

I enjoy singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs with Mogo. For just a little while, I feel 6 years old too.

I look so very old for 33.

I smell his little knit cap sometimes when I am alone in the house. I keep it in the small green box they gave me at the hospital. Each time I open that box, I am surprised that it still smells like him. I don’t open it very often for fear that one day it won’t anymore –one day I will have sniffed all the smell out of that little cap.

I hide my vanilla creamer from Matt because he likes to put it on his cereal.

I pray for other people. I think “What’s his Name” up there has heard enough out of me.

I walk with purpose; accept when I am looking at my feet. In fact, I usually look at my feet until I realize I am doing it. Then I become preoccupied with the fact that I am looking at my feet and not walking with purpose. It is a vicious cycle that makes my brain hurt.

I sing Indian songs my old friend taught me to Mogo. There is one about The Bear and another one Blessing the Tress. I can hear his drum beating, and I can smell the burning sage as I sing it to her. Those songs will always remind me of him.

I can make an awesome Mac & Cheese without a box.

I watch other couples and wonder why we are not more affectionate.

I yearn to travel with my husband sans children, to visit far off places and dine in fabulous hole in the wall restaurants where the locals go. I want to sit in front of coffee shops in other countries and make fun of those people for a while. I want to hold hands with him as we walk down unfamiliar streets and meet quirky people there and have a few adventures just my Old Man & me.

I daydream about owning a house of our own. A place where Mogo & Charlie will feel safe and know that is their place, their home. You just don’t get the same feel from an apartment.

I want to scream at people who speak to their children with disdain. You know the type? The ones who have completely broken their child’s spirit in public? Actually, I would love to punch them in the nose.

I cry easily.

I read a blog once written by a lady whose son died the same day I lost Aidan. He had been stillborn too. She wrote exactly what I was feeling at that moment. It was so strange and surreal.

I love to watch people interact with each other. I love to make up outlandish stories about them in my head. It would be so much more fun to tell someone else their stories though.

I wonder if he ever wishes I was someone else.

I touch the hair on the back of his neck whenever he is sitting next to me. It sort of pisses him off but I like the way it feels on my fingertips. I also sort of enjoy annoying him.

I hurt my knee practicing my Pirouettes in the kitchen when I was in the 8^th grade. I was incapable of standing still then. I was always practicing some dance step and I was also a bit of a klutz. Never was the ballerina type.

I fear that I might break them with my words, that they will never know just how much they are loved. I worry they will turn out like me.

I hope to grow old & grey with him. I hope our only regret will be that we don’t have another 100 years together.

I break for pedestrians.

I eat “AT” people. You know, sort of an “I’ll show you… see this brownie here? F-U I am EATING it” I often forget that if I eat in someone’s general direction, they aren’t the one whose ass gets bigger. Come to think of it, I smoke at people too.

I quit smoking for babies but I have a hard time staying quit for me.

I bathe with smell good girly soaps and bubbles, while burning candles, and reading trashy romance novels every chance I get. My mother has the world’s largest bath tub and it is pure decadence when she goes out of town.

I drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning during the week with tons of vanilla creamer and I splurge on a vanilla latte or 4 over the weekend too. Charlie is the most caffeinated baby on the block.

I save the top of my muffin for last because I love it so.

I hug. Yep, I am a hugger. My husband’s hugs envelope me and sometimes crack my back when I need it. I really like hugging tall men with big bellies, and little kids. I cannot stand light – half hearted hugs. Hugs should be big wonderful squeezes. I don’t understand or trust people that don’t hug. I often hug the non-huggers anyways. So what if it’s awkward.  

I miss playing outside with my friends until the street lights came on. I miss hide-n-seek, and I miss riding my bike down a steep hill at dusk when the air is a bit chilly and I am hot from the exercise.

I forgive other people easily. I have the hardest time forgiving myself.

I’ve learned that things don’t ever really get better… they just get different.

I have the utmost respect for those who can shop the day after Thanksgiving and keep their sense of humor. I myself cannot hold my temper enough to consider it. I stay far, far away from any retail establishments on “Black Friday”

I don’t have an artistic outlet that really gets me going. I have a few hobbies or pastimes that I try out now and then but none of them have turned into full fledged passions for me. I am jealous of those who have something like that.

I kiss the bottom of Mogo’s feet even when they are stinky. She will probably only let me do that for a little while longer though.

I wonder if all those wishes and prayers for world peace will ever be answered… I wonder if perhaps they already have but the answer was no.

Prehensile Toes December 8, 2008

Prehensile toes

Originally uploaded by Minarae

She has them.

Mom could always pick up objects with her toes. I remember her cleaning house she would be vacuuming and would stop to pick up a sock or some other foolishness that was in her way with her toes. I thought this was a wonderful multi-tasking tool.

I can do it too. I drive Old Man crazy untying his shoelaces with my toes at random times – like during church services. Looks like Mogo & now Charlie have also inheireted this gene.

If you tickle her toes she will grab your finger with them. She grabs it tight. She is a monkey child.

Also those toes… are very good for nibbling on.

(Photo by MinaRae)

1,018 Words on Things I Love… November 26, 2008

This post was stolen from one of the many blogs that I stalk. Schmutzie’s Milk Money or Not… “1000 words about things I love.” I read this and Wow… I really need to remember what it is that I am here for, all of the things that make it all worth it. I can’t crawl up in a ball and enjoy the nervous breakdown I deserve. I have to find my happy place. This is me faking it. I don’t know if I can get to 1000 words but I am going to try.

So, here is my post of “1000 Words about Things I Love.”

I love soft bunny fur (preferably still on the bunny). I love popping bubble wrap packing material, and getting mail that isn’t a bill or an advertisement. I love big fluffy lover dogs. I love trying on hats, and twinkly Christmas lights. I love hearing Mogo splish splashing in the tub and singing a tune that she made up on the fly. I love Charlie’s newfound smile as we idiotically say “Helloooo” over and over. I love her soft baby skin and the smell of her head. I love that she scrunches up her toes when you tickle her feet softly. I love baby smacking noises when she takes a break from nursing. I love the idea of a “Milk Coma.” I love the way her butt sticks in the air when you pick her up and she’s been sleeping. I love that Mogo wants to help even when it’s not much help at all. I love that she climbs into Charlie’s crib wanting to be my baby still. I love watching them grow. I love the light bulb moments when you can see some connection has been made about how something works or why something is the way it is. I love how she is so big but still so little. Iove sprinkling water over Charlie’s head in the bath and the coos she makes because the warm water just feels so good. I love “Rainbow Connection” at bed time and minty toothpaste girl breath on my face as we say our “God Blesses.” I love Hummingbirds and watching them take a drink at the feeder. I love it when they buzz us to tell us it is time to refill. I love the rain when it is soft and steady, the smell of the asphalt, and the blustery wind on my face. I love when it is sunny out but its still 50-60 degrees, they way the sun shines on my face, feeling warm while the air is so chilly. I love Eva kitty’s scratchy tongue kisses and her loud meows – so bossy. I love chocolate and peanut butter together.

I love ponytails that swish back and forth when you walk. I love counting the Old Man’s farts and giggling about it with Mogo. I love Mogo’s great big belly laughs so uncensored. I love her stories big and small. I love that her imagination knows no bounds. I love the feel of toe socks between my toes. I like it even better when you take them off. I love the woozy feeling when you smoke a cigarette and it has been a long time. I love the smell of sandalwood soap and smoke on my Old Man’s skin. I love the warm, scratchy feel of the calluses on his hands. I love getting sweet syrupy kisses from Mogo when she has been eating pancakes. I love the feel of clean sheets and new pillows. I love calling a friend and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I love Papa. I love that he knows it through and through. I love that he loved me my whole life and that he loves Mogo the same way. I love that he talks to her like she is a grown up.

I love crunching leaves beneath my feet whether walking through them or jumping on a great big pile of them. I love swinging on the swings at the park with Mogo and hearing her shrieks of joy. I love how my hair trails behind me while the wind whips it. I love nights on the porch with my Old Man. I love his hobbit feet, hairy toes and all. I love when the fog drops down so low that the street lights are all glowy. I love when he says my name. I love long goodbye kisses. I love lingering hugs. I love tattoos and designing new tattoos I may never put on my body. I love inside jokes and nods of understanding between two people that no one else gets. I love listening to classical music when I allow my mind to wonder into some great ballet choreography and I get lost in it. I love soft new age music with all the drums, the flutes and the trickling water all at the same time. I love the feel of rolling around on cool grass. I love to grab a handful of it and throw it at the nearest person. I love to pick dandelions and blow the seeds to the wind making a wish. I love that Mogo absolutely will not tell me her wish for fear it may not come true. I love that she still believes in wishes. I love spotting rainbows.

I love little stores that sell useless but pretty crap. I love the smell of old books and antiques. I love stained glass windows and the colors they make on the walls. I love empty old churches and sitting on creaky old church pews. I love driving to Julian with my family just to get coffee and window shop for a day. I love towns with no stop signs and wonder what it would be like to live there. I love windy two lane roads that go on forever. I love stopping in the middle of a road trip to stretch our legs and look about. I love cinnamon rolls and coffee together. I love talking to strangers at coffee shops and making friends with quirky people. I love watching people walk by and overhearing portions of conversations that are none of my business. I love it when I walk into a room and someone jumps up so glad to see me. I love getting flowers for no reason. I love pretty rocks. I love giving away something I have made. I love acquiring furniture. I love random boxes of pictures and things. I love writing love letters, I love getting them too. I love looking in people’s wallets to see if they have pictures. I love feeling better when I have been feeling so blue.

Ok that is 1,018 words about things I love. That is 18 more than I thought I had in me. You do it. It feels good.

Back 2 Work October 28, 2008

This is the sign I have posted on my office door when it is time for my lactation breaks. Oh the joys of pumping at work but that is another blog for another day.

 

If work were any fun we would have to pay them and stand in line. Since I seem to be at a loss for things to write about I will just fall back on the old standby… a top 10 list. 

Top 10 things I could use right now in my first week back to work.

1. Sleep – and lots of it. If I am holding the sweet little bundle, Charlie will saw logs for an hour or two at a time, if I attempt to put her in her bassinet or swing though I am certain to wake the little beast. Sleeping sitting up with a small child on your chest leads to 2 things: very little quality sleep and a royal pain in my arse (that would be a literal pain in my arse)

2. A well deserved pint of Guinness – On Friday night to celebrate if and when I complete this first week back to work with out committing any violent crimes.

3. Milkscreen -  Ok so when I saw a similar product at the local Baby Super Store, I was all sorts of critical. I mean what kind of lush needs to test her breast milk for alcohol content anyways? This kind of lush that’s who. Pumping & dumping is all well and good but how long after your last drink do you have to do it, how many times, will I inadvertently get the baby drunk? AARRGGHHH!

So, I am keen to buy some of these bad boys so that I can thoroughly enjoy my well deserved pint of Guinness (or 3) on Friday.

4. A Massage – Well a girl could always use one of these but this week after sleeping upright with a babe in my arms every night and what with all the stress associated with a new schedule for me and my boobies well, I could use one now more than ever.

5. A Breast Lift – After the first year of nursing of course but sheesh I never knew they could be so squishy. I am seriously going to need a little nip tuck on the girls once Charlie is through with me. For now I would settle for a decent nursing bra that does not accentuate the hangy-downiness of the girls. Let me tell you it is waaay attractive, I mean me & the girls… we are HAWT!

6. A Streaming Video Monitor thingie – I do not know if one exists but what I really need is a baby monitor/Nanny Cam that will send me streaming video of what is happening at our house. I miss the babe. I wanna see what she is up to. I wanna hear the gurgles and see the new smiles and goofy tongue faces while I am at work. While you are at it, make sure it has smell-o-vision or something cause I miss the sweet baby smell too. Who am I kidding? I would get no work done if I had one.

7. A Regular Dose of Prozac – Those who know me, may know that I am horribly bad about taking daily medication. I have little to no discipline. So yet again, I have been forgetting to take my Prozac regularly for some time now (and yes, I am aware this defeats the whole purpose). I am thinking now that I am back at work, I will have a regular routine and will therefore do better with it.

Note to self: You cannot afford to not take your psych meds.

8. 10 Arms – Like the Goddess Kali or something. Truth is I need to be able to multi task now more than ever. Mogo is adjusting but I know she is bummed that the baby has so very many needs and Charlie comes first a lot these days. The Old Man has been fabulous at picking up my slack but she doesn’t want him to do anything for her she wants her Mommy. Can’t say as I blame her, I often what exactly what is not available or convenient for others.

Needless to say it would be nice to be able to cuddle up my big 6 year old with one set of hands while nursing or changing the baby with the other, all while cooking dinner on a hot stove or maybe going to the bathroom by myself. Preferably, I would like to do all of this without anyone crying or yelling at me.

9. A 10 lb. Box of Money that Does Not Rattle – This particular item always seems to come up on these lists of mine. We are broke as usual but we are particularly broke these days. Old Man has a new job… his official title is “House Honey”. We decided rather than have him work to pay for daycare; he could just be the daycare. It will be worth it but it will require some serious belt tightening. I am just glad that I know the person taking care of our kiddos is someone who loves the girls as much as I do.

10. My Sense of Humor – I used to have one. Now I am just as grumpy as the Old Man. I forgot about all the sleeplessness that comes with a newborn. I forgot how gnarly it was between the Old Man and me when Mogo was born what with our lack of a funny bone and all. In fact, I think we forgot about a bunch of stuff that comes with a new baby. A sense of humor would really help right now. Hey, maybe I would find one if I were taking my Prozac regularly. You think?

Big Sister Mogo October 3, 2008

So, Mogo is a big sister! She loves her Charlie but is adjusting to all the changes in her world; a new school year, new sister, sharing a room, sharing her Mommy – a girl can get overwhelmed so easily. She is only now convinced that she won’t have to share her toys for quite awhile. She has been a big help, often to the point of being completely un-helpful but she supposes we must keep Charlie since she doesn’t have an “electrical cord” anymore and we can’t put her back with out one of those.

I think she is also relieved to have a spot on my lap again. She grew so much while I was PG that she barely fits anymore. How time flies. I can’t even imagine Mogo being Charlotte’s size, it seems like it happened to someone else entirely. We are plugging along though and we are all trying hard not to kill each other with all of these changes and of course, there is the sleep deprivation… that is always helpful.

The sisters seem to be getting along famously though. See?

Some day I will get as much sleep as this one.

for now I will settle for a few hours here and there and remember that it is all so very worth it.

Meet Charlotte Lane October 2, 2008

Charlotte Lane was born on August 27, 2008 at 12:20 p.m.
She was 6lbs. 5 oz and 19 inches long.
Mom & baby girl are a-o-k and big sister Morrigan is thrilled.

We have been having some problems in the weight gain department, I have been a bit of a wreck and getting to the computer has been difficult at best. Thanks for checking in on occasion. I will check back in when I get the little one to sleep for longer than an hour!

Love to you all

-Mogo & Charlie’s Mom

Love, Marriage, and Sleep Deprivation May 29, 2008

Ok so, we will forget for a moment that I have nothing really entertaining to talk about today and I am just going to write. It may be a little blathery but what the hell, those of you who will actually read it will forgive me or move on to someone else’s blathering instead.

Shortly before my my blog hiatus the Old Man lost his very cool, very grown up job. He didn’t “loose it” per se. He knows where it is but, if he goes there someone else will be doing it for him. So for a while now he has been working Graveyards at a shiny new, very well paying, and not so appetizing job and it sucks. This new job is strenuous, I can see him coming home from work exhausted and beat up and well, Old Man is stubborn and he does not seem to want to commit to a regular sleeping pattern. He might want to but he is finding it difficult (I cannot blame him, I could never do Graveyards). It comes down to this… sometimes he sleeps and sometimes not so much. As a general rule when he is getting a full 6-8 hours of sleep per day he is sort of grumpy naturally. It is endearing and what can I say… I love the old curmudgeon. With not so very much sleep… he is sort of… well, he is kind of a temperamental badger, or a wolverine perhaps… with really sharp teeth and maybe a porcupine quill stuck up his arse. Love him as I do, my pregnant and hormonal ass has not been overly helpful here. There is a lot of snipping going on at our house these days.

Anyways, after a couple of months of graveyard shifts, these fools he works for are going to mix it up a bit and do half graveyards and half 2^nd shifts. I am stuck between thinking this will help with the sleep dilemma and thinking holy hell, I am never going to see my husband! I am hoping this will bring my dear husband some relief. I am hoping that we will someday be able to share an evening together that does not consist of A. me falling asleep on him mid conversation B. Him falling asleep during another episode of Family Guy and C. feeling guilty that we finally have an evening together and both of us would rather be sleeping than doing anything else that might be made more entertaining due to pregnancy. Grrr.

No solutions here but time and patience. We have been together long enough to know that this too shall pass. It will get different, it always does. In the mean time, I miss my Old Man and I wish we were independently wealthy and we could both stay home all day and do things made more entertaining by pregnancy… a lot.

Missing in Action INDEED… May 28, 2008

I know, I know, my last post said I was going to try hard to post regularly. Well, I lied, I do that it is just the kind of blogger I am.

A friend of mine (IRL) mentioned that it had been 40 some odd days since IU had last blogged. First I was surprised that anyone had noticed and then it got me motivated to post again. You see what happened was, somehow I broke Word Press or something and was unable to post for a while and then once it was working again, I would try to write out a post and it just seemed I had nothing of any value to say. Every time I would spew this darkness and venom, then I would hit delete and vow to myself I would try again the next day. Hey if it was making me sick of myself, I could not justify subjecting you all to the gloom & doom. (See I'm a good friend like that.)

So, I am back (at least this week) and here is the thing... baby is growing fabulously. She is kicking in all the right places and a few I was not sure were possible (Yep, I said SHE!!!). I am healthy; baby Girl appears to also be healthy and I am mostly in good spirits. Stay tuned, I change moods at the drop of a hat.

Mogo lost out on the name game... Lampie was just too much for us to stomach, Eyeball was just preposterous, and Apple had already been taken by Gwenyth & Chris. Old Man & I decided on the name Charlotte Layne. We will probably call her Charlie though. Mogo thinks that it is ridiculous to call a girl by a boys name and she vows to never call her Charlie "EVER!" She feels very strongly about this but alas, she does not get a vote. Aside from the name drama, Mogo is terribly excited. She talks to the baby and insists on kissing the baby (i.e. my belly) good bye any time I leave. She has so many questions about the baby's development and we talk a lot about when she was in my tummy. It is a pretty cool time for us when I can stay out of my head that is.

So, little one is scheduled to join us the first week in September if all goes as it should, only 14 more weeks to go and yes, I am holding my breath.

MIA… February 28, 2008

Sorry to be MIA for so long.  I have been too zonked after work to contemplate hopping on the computer when I get home and also… “Big Brother” no longer allows WordPress to pass the Websense moat/draw bridge at work. Needless to say (but say it I will) I have been going through some terrible blog withdrawal symptoms; nasty symptoms that rival the nicotine and caffeine withdrawals. I must be a joy to live with, really. Alas, I have resorted to surfing Craigslist and the 2 blogs that Websense has not detected yet (I give it a week). I can imagine that the Blogosphere has had a detrimental effect on productivity in Corporate America. I cannot blame Big Brother for keeping vigilant watch over his employees’ surfing habits. I know I am an addict and without Big Brother to keep me from temptation, I will read blog after blog after blog ad infinitum.

So what is new with me?

A whole lotta Nuthin. I am 12 weeks pg and holding. I assume that the little booger (Mogo gave up on the name Lampie so I did too) is still wiggling away in there whether I can feel it or not. Spotting has continued on and off but apparently all is well anyways. I have roughly 27 more weeks to go but, who’s counting? I actually had a short quiet moment this morning where I was able to day dream about the little booger uninterrupted by gloom and doom. It was 30 minutes of pure hope. It felt really very nice for a change to be able to think about the possibility that not very long from now, we may very well get to bring home another sweet baby. My inner asshole must have still been asleep for she was no where to be found for 30-40 min. straight. It must be that feeling that other women get during their very first pregnancies – it was a short glimpse of that naïveté that I remember from my very first pregnancy. I needed that burst of hope. 

So, the world will keep turning no matter what. I will take it day by day, hour by hour as needed. For now, I am trying to enjoy it all and to keep my inner asshole at bay as much as possible.