Back 2 Work October 28, 2008

This is the sign I have posted on my office door when it is time for my lactation breaks. Oh the joys of pumping at work but that is another blog for another day.

 

If work were any fun we would have to pay them and stand in line. Since I seem to be at a loss for things to write about I will just fall back on the old standby… a top 10 list. 

Top 10 things I could use right now in my first week back to work.

1. Sleep – and lots of it. If I am holding the sweet little bundle, Charlie will saw logs for an hour or two at a time, if I attempt to put her in her bassinet or swing though I am certain to wake the little beast. Sleeping sitting up with a small child on your chest leads to 2 things: very little quality sleep and a royal pain in my arse (that would be a literal pain in my arse)

2. A well deserved pint of Guinness – On Friday night to celebrate if and when I complete this first week back to work with out committing any violent crimes.

3. Milkscreen -  Ok so when I saw a similar product at the local Baby Super Store, I was all sorts of critical. I mean what kind of lush needs to test her breast milk for alcohol content anyways? This kind of lush that’s who. Pumping & dumping is all well and good but how long after your last drink do you have to do it, how many times, will I inadvertently get the baby drunk? AARRGGHHH!

So, I am keen to buy some of these bad boys so that I can thoroughly enjoy my well deserved pint of Guinness (or 3) on Friday.

4. A Massage – Well a girl could always use one of these but this week after sleeping upright with a babe in my arms every night and what with all the stress associated with a new schedule for me and my boobies well, I could use one now more than ever.

5. A Breast Lift – After the first year of nursing of course but sheesh I never knew they could be so squishy. I am seriously going to need a little nip tuck on the girls once Charlie is through with me. For now I would settle for a decent nursing bra that does not accentuate the hangy-downiness of the girls. Let me tell you it is waaay attractive, I mean me & the girls… we are HAWT!

6. A Streaming Video Monitor thingie – I do not know if one exists but what I really need is a baby monitor/Nanny Cam that will send me streaming video of what is happening at our house. I miss the babe. I wanna see what she is up to. I wanna hear the gurgles and see the new smiles and goofy tongue faces while I am at work. While you are at it, make sure it has smell-o-vision or something cause I miss the sweet baby smell too. Who am I kidding? I would get no work done if I had one.

7. A Regular Dose of Prozac – Those who know me, may know that I am horribly bad about taking daily medication. I have little to no discipline. So yet again, I have been forgetting to take my Prozac regularly for some time now (and yes, I am aware this defeats the whole purpose). I am thinking now that I am back at work, I will have a regular routine and will therefore do better with it.

Note to self: You cannot afford to not take your psych meds.

8. 10 Arms – Like the Goddess Kali or something. Truth is I need to be able to multi task now more than ever. Mogo is adjusting but I know she is bummed that the baby has so very many needs and Charlie comes first a lot these days. The Old Man has been fabulous at picking up my slack but she doesn’t want him to do anything for her she wants her Mommy. Can’t say as I blame her, I often what exactly what is not available or convenient for others.

Needless to say it would be nice to be able to cuddle up my big 6 year old with one set of hands while nursing or changing the baby with the other, all while cooking dinner on a hot stove or maybe going to the bathroom by myself. Preferably, I would like to do all of this without anyone crying or yelling at me.

9. A 10 lb. Box of Money that Does Not Rattle – This particular item always seems to come up on these lists of mine. We are broke as usual but we are particularly broke these days. Old Man has a new job… his official title is “House Honey”. We decided rather than have him work to pay for daycare; he could just be the daycare. It will be worth it but it will require some serious belt tightening. I am just glad that I know the person taking care of our kiddos is someone who loves the girls as much as I do.

10. My Sense of Humor – I used to have one. Now I am just as grumpy as the Old Man. I forgot about all the sleeplessness that comes with a newborn. I forgot how gnarly it was between the Old Man and me when Mogo was born what with our lack of a funny bone and all. In fact, I think we forgot about a bunch of stuff that comes with a new baby. A sense of humor would really help right now. Hey, maybe I would find one if I were taking my Prozac regularly. You think?

10 Things I could really use right now… November 2, 2007

1. A “Do-Over” on Friday, November 2, 2007.
2. A nose that works like Samantha’s on Be-Witched but I am just not that kind of witch.
3. A 10lb. box of money that does not rattle.
4. Some anti-anxiety medication to go with my Prozac.
5. A massage. Not one of those “Deep Tissue” ones that hurt but the kind where someone just gently rubs my back for an eternity with some lavender oil to the sounds of soft New-Agey music. The kind that will give me that feeling that all will really be ok.
6. Comfort food – Mom’s Tuna Surprise or Fried Chicken with homemade biscuits with and jam and lotsa-lotsa butter.
7. A stiff drink (or 5) – no umbrella, no mixers, no messing around – Just me, a high ball and a bottle of Jack. (as if)
8. A college degree.
9. Someone else’s job.
10. A little self-confidence to call my very own.

Lest you all jump to any conclusions, I did not loose my job (yet), no one died, and I am ok I just have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It was the Monday-ist sort of Friday and I am done and ready to go to bed… for a week.

Is Mercury out of retrograde yet?

Apparently, I have some nerve… June 7, 2007

How dare I go back to work?

I am being punished for my sins of employment. Mogo won’t give me the time of day. It is all about Daddy and I have become the anti-Christ. Last night when I got home from work, Mogo announced that I was not allowed to look at her, only Daddy could look at her. She wanted Daddy to do stories & brush teeth, not Mommy. She was giving me the evil eye all night long. Apparently, I had sprouted horns and weird green warts on my face or something. I did get her to give me good night kisses though and her highness allowed me to sing bedtime songs to her but I was not allowed to get too close to her while I sang them. Girlfriend is ticked off. She admitted to me this morning that she misses me now that I am back to work and promised to use her words and talk about it instead of being a snot.

Let’s see if  I will continue to be the anti-Christ every night after work from now on or if she will ever decide I am just her plain old Mommy who loves her. I like it better when she loves Mommy best.

What I did on my Universe Ordered Vacation June 5, 2007

•  I watched a lot of Dragon Tales, Zaboomafoo, and Clifford: The Big Red Dog with Mogo (That Emily-Elizabeth girl is a royal pain in the ass). 

• I pretended I knew how to sew and agreed to do a project for one of the preschool moms out of sheer need to be included amongst the stay-at-home mom set (I am learning how to sew but lets be serious). I then proceeded to take said project over to my Moms and asked her to do it for me. <Cheeky grin> I know, I am a total fraud.

• Mogo & I made cookies and sat on the kitchen floor together to lick the beater.

• I finished 6 pages in Mogo’s scrapbook.

• I read about 2-4 books a week.

•  We fed ducks (and geese, and squirrels) at the local pond.

• I married Mogo at least 3 times a day complete with accompanying music and wedding guests. The pretend wedding cake was to dye for. Of course, I had to be the Husband and sometimes I had to officiate at the same time.

• I went to coffee with the Old Man while Mogo expanded her mind at preschool. We befriended some of the quirkiest folks at the local Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and had a blast talking, smoking, and getting multiple refills (I know, I am easily amused).

• I spent lots of time in the sun with my Old Man & Mogo taking walks and going to the park. So much that folks here at work thought perhaps I had gone off to the Bahamas instead of recovering from abdominal surgery as I had said.

• I cut off all of my hair, dyed it blonde, and got my eyebrows waxed. I am a regular fashion icon (ok, not so much)

As for the things I did NOT do:

• Well, I did not get to sleep a lot much to my dismay. I have a blonde alarm clock that does not come with a snooze button and a husband who could sleep through the apocalypse. I only got to sleep in about 5 times while I was on leave (that does not include the 3 days in the hospital, where thankfully I got to sleep whenever I wanted to aided by yummy IV administered narcotics). 

• I did not keep my house immaculate. I think it might actually be worse

• I did not make dinner every night.

• I did not stay current on my soap opera although, I started watching The View.

• I rarely touched my computer.

• Rest - Not as much as I should have anyway. I kept acting as though I was actually on vacation as opposed to medical leave and felt so good that occasionally I would forget that I had just had surgery and hurt myself in the process. Now that I am at work I can begin to rest.

Now that I am officially back at work and trying to breathe under the mounds of travel and expense reports that are covering my desk. I am feeling great and more together than I have in a great long while. I think I must have really needed this Universe ordered vacation. I loved spending time with Mogo.

I do miss my girl and I wish that I had more time during the week to cuddle, play, and talk to her. She is wickedly smart and so very clever (which is not at all the same thing). I think I have discovered why I have become such a recluse… I enjoy being at home with my girl – every opportunity I can get. I would turn down Happy Hour or adult interaction any time just to read her stories and tuck her in. Perhaps I need to be more honest with myself about that. It is often easier to blame not going out with people on not having a sitter or because I am broke (although both things are true) than to just say that I would rather be at home with Mogo since I am gone all week long.

All that said it is nice to be back at work. It feels great to know that I am missed by people who are not related to me. Apparently my Boss (well my sort of boss anyway) realized while she was doing my job and hers too that we just work too f-ing much! I was a little concerned that they might find out that I am easily replaceable but it seems they have decided that I am wonderful instead!

Procrastination is like masturbation… April 11, 2007

You only fuck yourself. That is what “they” say anyways. I am still trying to figure out who “they” are but apparently it is one of those things “they” say.

Why oh why do I have to be such a procrastinator? I know I have two days worth of meetings coming up; nearly 75 people to cater lunch for… why oh why, do I wait until the absolute possible minute to request help getting the tables & chairs set up?  I will tell you why… because I am a moron, that is why. I just spent 30 minutes breaking a sweat setting up 7 of the world’s heaviest folding tables for a lunch that was supposed to happen in 15 minutes. I guess it is a good thing that the meeting ended up running into lunch by another 45 minutes. See, now I feel stupid for rushing. They are the ones who will be late and I can always go powder my nose to get rid of the red blotchies that have set in on my face due to exertion.

This brings me to yet another gripe. I simply must find a way to loose at least 40 lbs. I am totally out of shape. If I was not so fat, I would not be sweating, I would be able to put up 7 heavy folding tables with my pumps on and maintain the cute hair flip my new hair cut does (love my new hair cut!). Instead, my hair has gone flat, the makeup I put on this morning has the drips, and my face is splotchy. I also dropped one of the tables on my big toe because I had to take off my shoes to do it, lest I break my ankle or something. Actually, I took them off because I have such a hard time wearing heels (probably because I am too fat). Of course, that has not stopped me from developing this crazy weakness for buying them. I love me some cute shoes even if they hurt.

This is not the first time. Procrastination for me is like my old hoodie sweatshirt. I know it has holes & bleach stains on it, I know I have not been able to get the permanent marker stain off of it and it has stretched out 3 sizes but, I just can’t seem to put it in the Salvation Army pile. Whenever I do put it in the pile, I always end up fishing it out before the pile gets loaded up to go to Sally. Why? Well, it is comfy, it’s warm and comforting. So easy to throw on, you barely even notice you are wearing it…

Ok so, the collective “they” certainly have a point. I will take it under advisement. Well, maybe later.