It’s “Just” Depression. July 14, 2009

Nature Walk @ Rattle Snake Canyon

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

This is my Depression Cycle:
Major Depression Diagnosed…
Meds prescribed…
1-2 months of taking meds regularly…
Feel Great
Forget the meds 1 or 2 days…
Take meds regularly for a week…
Forget the meds for a week straight…
“Screw the meds… this is a pain in the arse and really I feel fine.”
Going about life, all is well…
Gradually over the span of say 6 months… blah feelings, lethargy and obvious minor depression set in… (Well, it’s obvious to Old Man anyways)
Over time it works up to major crying jags and irrational behavior with Old Man and lots of chocolate and beer…
Further leading to conversations like “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds?” or “You know you were doing a lot better on the meds.” from husband… (Which is sort of like making comments about PMS after an argument – it does not go over well.)
Arguments lead to more crying and an appt. scheduled with the Shrink…
Shrink inevitably says “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds???” and “You know you have to take these forever – it’s like insulin.”
Prescription filled. Again.
Rinse, Repeat, Lather.

I have never been good about taking any sort of medication as prescribed. Birth control was lost on me. It is a wonder that I did not become a teen aged pregnancy statistic. I have probably single handedly created a “Super Bug” with my aversion to completing a full course of antibiotics. Which came first the chicken or the egg? I do not take my meds because I need to take my meds to remember to take them. Mind-boggling.

I went through this rigorous screening process to determine if I had ADD. Folks with ADD who also have depression often have problems remembering to take their medication too (did I mention this in my last post?). I thought perhaps there would be a magic pill that would help me get my shit together. I was convinced that this diagnosis would be the answer to all the weird and possibly irresponsible quirks I have become known for…

The new head-shrinker says that while I have signs of Adult ADD, apparently it is not bad enough to justify further medication. I was sort of crushed and I lost it in his office. See, because this is what I heard. “You don’t have ADD, you are just irresponsible.” and “Why can’t you just take your medication you moron?” and also “You’re an asshole and I am locking you up.”

What he actually said was “Have you been hospitalized for depression before?” and “depression causes a lot of what you have described and if you would get on a regular course of meds. and stay on it; you would feel better.” and “Here is a new medication that if you take it regularly for a while should help with all of the ADD symptoms” Did I mention that with this new medication, I have to remember to take it twice a day?

So, for a week the Blackberry has been helping me do that. For a week, I have remembered to take my medication twice a day. I have also had 2 gnarly Anxiety attacks, I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head any minute, and I lie awake at 2:00 a.m. staring at the shadows on my bedroom wall that have transformed into a woman’s face and I swear if she starts talking to me, I will let you all know what she thinks about it all.

Just Call Me Dr. Google… April 16, 2009

When I was a little girl, I was dubbed “A bull in a china shop” by the bitchy Grandma. Wow at 33 years old, I can still hear her saying those words.

Recently, I have been talking to someone who has Adult ADD and she was describing ME.

So I decided to consult Dr. Google. After reading the symptoms I felt as if someone jumped into my brain and typed up all the things I have been struggling with since oh I don’t know… the 4th grade maybe? I took the test, you know the one, at the end it disclaims that it is not a diagnosis but gives you a score and depending on such score it tells you if you should A. Not worry, you’re fine or B. Get thee to a Medical Professional immediately. Well, Dr. Google thought I should get off the damn computer and make an appointment. Apparently the only symptom of this that I did not exhibit was the hyperactivity but it does explain why my feet are always moving… a habit that drives The Old Man bat shit.

My car or my apartment for that matter is a metaphor for what has been happening in my brain as long as I can remember. It is a cluttered, trashy, mess. It is a conscious effort to remember to do simple tasks like brush my teeth or put on deodorant hence I have a whole arsenal of toiletries in my desk drawer at work for such occasions. I have 6 different hair brushes because it is easier to have one in every room so I know I can always find one… but I can NEVER. FIND. ONE! I have never gotten the hang of paying bills, balancing checkbooks, making and sticking to appointments. It is not because I don’t have the money to pay them. There is no reason with my salary that I cannot support our family. Yes, it would still be tight but there is no reason I can’t pay my bills or my rent on time. You know, and it is not because I can’t do the math either. I just can’t bring myself to add those things into my daily regimen… I forget, I procrastinate, and I forget. I totally under/over estimate how long something will take. I start projects only to leave them undone and start sill other projects. I cannot hold my concentration on reading material except if it is really interesting and even then. If it were only one or two of these symptoms, even four? would not mean that I have this problem but I had all but one of them.

My thinking has always been so disjointed and so garbled. I have struggled with a low-grade (and sometimes not-so-low-grade) depression my whole life. Apparently people with ADD are at a higher risk of depression and/or anxiety. In fact ADD often goes undiagnosed because it is attributed to depression/anxiety instead. Those silly ADD folks just can’t seem to take their freaking medicine… imagine that.

So hey, perhaps, these aren’t character flaws. Maybe I am not just an unorganized, undisciplined mess of a failure… maybe this thing has a name. Maybe, if it has a name there is also a solution; a wonder drug perhaps. Maybe I will be able to get my life together for once.

Appointment is set for the end of April.

It is that time of year… April 10, 2009

Peep Photo deleted… apparently nyc dreamer was not amused…—-

I am not Christian. I celebrate the pagan/commercial version of Easter. Now, I believe in God and I love the nice sentiments of what Jesus said when it is not being wildly misconstrued. I do think the last thing he would want to see if he ever graced us with his physical presence would be a cross and quite possibly we would treat him like a psycho cult leader if he ever announced he was here amoung us. All that said… I think the man could get behind the consumption of Peeps in his name.

“Do this in remembrance of me” or “”Body of pastel baby chicks for you.”

Peeps are my favorite part of Easter/Ostara/Spring. I know they make them now for other holidays but for some reason the Easter ones taste a litlte different to me.

My sweet & lovey cousin Nick Nak mentioned a great idea to us one year and we have observed this particular tradition in our house ever since… We roast the pastel baby chicks over a candles flame and eat them toasted to a crisp. It makes this yummy confection that much better.

Peeps don’t last long at our house. They barely make it into the easter baskets. Sometimes the Easter bunny takes a bite out of the Peeps head just to let Mogo know that the bunny likes them too.

It is dangerous when you start talking to yourself… April 8, 2009

Rattle Snake Canyon

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

Dear Me,

This is a reminder… WWI was not your fault. WWII also had nothing to do with you; you were not even born yet Sheesh. The plight of starving children in Malawi will not be solved by you this week. People go through stuff and you are not required to fix it. There is no fix for much of this stuff anyways. When things seem like they are going to bring about the apocalypse; just remember its really just normal everyday life stuff and you have no control over the outcome. Yes, I know how you feel about control and no you still don’t have any!

Oh and hey do me a favor will ya? Allow folks to feel whatever they are feeling. Feelings are not right or wrong. And quit using the words “should” and “you always” or “you never” they are not helpful. You have to take ownership of your own feelings and you can’t go taking offense if others don’t follow your script. You don’t have to take everybody’s emotional temperature all the time and BTW it is really annoying when you do so knock it off.

Now after all that… there are things that you have SOME control over – paying your bills on time, making sure that everything is packed BEFORE moving day, feeding your small children, eating food with ingredients that you can pronounce, and a walk around the block never hurt anybody… those things are your business. Get off your fanny and get moving.

Oh and, BTW… Love is an action word.

Love,
You

Spring Has Sprung… April 3, 2009

Charlie the Bunny

Originally uploaded by Minarae

THis is Charlie @ 7 months doing her impersonation of Little Bunny Foo-Foo.

It is spring! Hooray! Spring cleaning! Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs! Hardboiled Eggs that have been dyed a color never to be found in nature! Cadbury Cream Eggs! Fuzzy Bunny Ears! (We love fuzzy bunny ears when they grace the top of a head so sweet) Oh, and Pagan celebrations of rebirth and fertility! (I will stop short of running around nekkid in the moonlight.) I love spring even with all the sneezes and allergies that plague my house this time of year.

and, in the spirit of Spring and, new beginnings and the associated symbolism of whatnot… this little clan of ours is moving again – starting over if you will. The rent on our teeny 2BR/2BA apartment has been raised from “God Awful” to “That is Freaking Ridiculous” and the burden of making it from paycheck to paycheck with out selling myself on a street corner has become too much. So, we are moving to a smaller place where I can afford the not quite God Awful rent and perhaps I will save myself a few hundred dollars per month. I need that. I really, really do.

With all this change, Mogo gets a few changes of her own. She will be starting a new school in the fall and she is very excited. To be honest, I am a little excited too. She will be attending a brand new school with all the current technology and it even has… wait for it… it has a library – with a librarian even. She could you know, check out books to read and forget to bring them back and I will be responsible for her incessant late fees but COME. ON. NOW… A school MUST have a library. There is some sort of a rule about that isn’t there? The school she is at currently? No library. In fairness, I should say there is a library but since there is no librarian, the children are not allowed to use it and that? Well, that is preposterous to me. So this will be a good change. BTW… have I mentioned that the State of CA can kiss my lily white arse? The budget cuts to San Diego Unified are absolutely unconscionable. Our government really ought to be ashamed of themselves but that is a post for another day.

Keeping with the new beginnings theme, I am attempting to simplify my life. I am downsizing the amount of crap we have. I am throwing out clothes I have not worn in at least a year and I have vowed that I will have clean surfaces and vacuumed carpeting. I will have dishes in the appropriate cupboards and I will fold AND put away my laundry. I will not continue to have a disaster zone for a home.

Ok well, I vow to work hard to have all those things be true. My little bunny eared girl is going to be crawling soon and I really just have to make things safe for her to do that.

I will keep you posted.

Climbing the Generation Ladder = No Fun February 23, 2009

Lane Leroy Carroll II, who was for all intents and purposes my Father died on Friday evening 2/20/2009 after battling with that complete bitch also known as Cancer. On this day the world lost one of the last “Good Guys.”  

Lane was many things… He was a loving Husband, a Father, a Papa, a Son, and a Brother. He was an athlete, an Old Pro, a beer drinker. He was wicked smart and would explain a subject to death if you asked his direction. You just might end up with the formula to make an atom bomb by simply asking tax advice. He was kind. He seemed quiet to those who did not know him well. He was also funny, sort of sarcastic, and occasionally perverse in his humor. He was a prude and embarrassed easily, he did not like to be fussed over. He was Lovey, and Grumbly all at the same time. He was selectively deaf in both ears; he was fuzzy and growly. Sometimes I joked and called him Chewbacca because when he did yell he sounded just like that big Wooky – the fuzz only added to the comparison. He was athletic, competitive and liked to give the young guys a run for their money on the soccer field. He regularly violated Mom’s “Prime Directive” which was not to get hurt on the field. His knees were often bloody and scraped up from playing hard. – He was ours.

There was this joke that Lane had married my Mother for her Chocolate Mousse. Really he married her because he was thoroughly in love with her and would walk the ends of the earth if she only asked. That kind of love is rare. My Mom tells a great story about Lane watching us kiddos while she was out on what must have been a horrible date and asking her if she was done kissing frogs. He then leaned over and gave her a great big smooch; indeed she had kissed her last frog and found herself a Prince. They spent 25 years together and only really ever bickered about Honey Do’s. I try to model my marriage after theirs. I have never known 2 people who loved each other that much. I am grateful I got to be a witness to it.

Lane was a good Dad to us kids. He was our Laney and later he became Papa to our girls. Lane taught me to tie my shoes and ride a bike. He showed up for school stuff and bought the bulk of my Girl Scout Cookies. He watched Fraggle Rock & the Muppet Show religiously with me and took me for Donut Holes on Mondays. He occasionally growled but really only if we were giving Mom a hard time. He was her champion and while he would put up with quite a bit directed towards him, there would be no disrespect to her – that was that. He was home; he was a part of the furniture of our life. He stood in the background like this solid wood beam always holding everything up. As I grew and did the foolish things young women sometimes do; I could come home tail firmly tucked, head hung low… there was no judgment, no “I told you so” just a warm safe place to land and a hug or maybe two.

Lane loved his Grandgirls. He spoke to them gently and like they were 40 years old. He and my Morrigan especially had a very cool friendship. They were dessert buddies and they had a lot of fun together. Towards the end of his life, Morrigan said to me “Papa is just not the same since he cut off his hair.” So true… if only cancer, then radiation and chemo had not jumped in to our lives, our Papa would be just the same and he would be here to share a dove bar and explain the world to her once more. Our youngest daughter Charlotte Lane is named for him. She is too young to know Papa but I know we will tell her Papa stories as she grows and she will know that he loved her too and as Morrigan pointed out… as long as we have Charlotte, we still have Papa. 

Papa, you are missed, you are loved and you will never be forgotten. 

Christmas Card 2008 December 21, 2008

PWYPark_Family Photo Better one

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

Happy ChristmaHannKwanzaYulikah from us to you!

On the agenda today is the wrapping of gifts, the buying of more gifts, and the cramming as much yuletide joy into one weekend that we possibly can.

This morning we are off to make Gingerbread Dwellings with the cousins and Gramma. We will have to see how much candy atually makes it onto the houses this year. My main duties today are keeping the Divine Miss M from gorging herself on the toppings (especially since we had some wonky stomach virus yesterday) and doing my best to keep my control issues in check and just let Mogo do her thing without taking over.

I will let you know how it all goes. Meanwhile, I hope you and yours are enjoying the season.

Love,
B.

Obligatory Baby Photos December 9, 2008

Screaming Mimi – Nov 2008

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

Since it has been awhile… Here is one of the latest Charlie pics. Here she is doing what she does best since she began teething. Fussing.

Did I mention she’s teething?

Here’s a sweet one.

Prehensile Toes December 8, 2008

Prehensile toes

Originally uploaded by Minarae

She has them.

Mom could always pick up objects with her toes. I remember her cleaning house she would be vacuuming and would stop to pick up a sock or some other foolishness that was in her way with her toes. I thought this was a wonderful multi-tasking tool.

I can do it too. I drive Old Man crazy untying his shoelaces with my toes at random times – like during church services. Looks like Mogo & now Charlie have also inheireted this gene.

If you tickle her toes she will grab your finger with them. She grabs it tight. She is a monkey child.

Also those toes… are very good for nibbling on.

(Photo by MinaRae)

1,018 Words on Things I Love… November 26, 2008

This post was stolen from one of the many blogs that I stalk. Schmutzie’s Milk Money or Not… “1000 words about things I love.” I read this and Wow… I really need to remember what it is that I am here for, all of the things that make it all worth it. I can’t crawl up in a ball and enjoy the nervous breakdown I deserve. I have to find my happy place. This is me faking it. I don’t know if I can get to 1000 words but I am going to try.

So, here is my post of “1000 Words about Things I Love.”

I love soft bunny fur (preferably still on the bunny). I love popping bubble wrap packing material, and getting mail that isn’t a bill or an advertisement. I love big fluffy lover dogs. I love trying on hats, and twinkly Christmas lights. I love hearing Mogo splish splashing in the tub and singing a tune that she made up on the fly. I love Charlie’s newfound smile as we idiotically say “Helloooo” over and over. I love her soft baby skin and the smell of her head. I love that she scrunches up her toes when you tickle her feet softly. I love baby smacking noises when she takes a break from nursing. I love the idea of a “Milk Coma.” I love the way her butt sticks in the air when you pick her up and she’s been sleeping. I love that Mogo wants to help even when it’s not much help at all. I love that she climbs into Charlie’s crib wanting to be my baby still. I love watching them grow. I love the light bulb moments when you can see some connection has been made about how something works or why something is the way it is. I love how she is so big but still so little. Iove sprinkling water over Charlie’s head in the bath and the coos she makes because the warm water just feels so good. I love “Rainbow Connection” at bed time and minty toothpaste girl breath on my face as we say our “God Blesses.” I love Hummingbirds and watching them take a drink at the feeder. I love it when they buzz us to tell us it is time to refill. I love the rain when it is soft and steady, the smell of the asphalt, and the blustery wind on my face. I love when it is sunny out but its still 50-60 degrees, they way the sun shines on my face, feeling warm while the air is so chilly. I love Eva kitty’s scratchy tongue kisses and her loud meows – so bossy. I love chocolate and peanut butter together.

I love ponytails that swish back and forth when you walk. I love counting the Old Man’s farts and giggling about it with Mogo. I love Mogo’s great big belly laughs so uncensored. I love her stories big and small. I love that her imagination knows no bounds. I love the feel of toe socks between my toes. I like it even better when you take them off. I love the woozy feeling when you smoke a cigarette and it has been a long time. I love the smell of sandalwood soap and smoke on my Old Man’s skin. I love the warm, scratchy feel of the calluses on his hands. I love getting sweet syrupy kisses from Mogo when she has been eating pancakes. I love the feel of clean sheets and new pillows. I love calling a friend and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I love Papa. I love that he knows it through and through. I love that he loved me my whole life and that he loves Mogo the same way. I love that he talks to her like she is a grown up.

I love crunching leaves beneath my feet whether walking through them or jumping on a great big pile of them. I love swinging on the swings at the park with Mogo and hearing her shrieks of joy. I love how my hair trails behind me while the wind whips it. I love nights on the porch with my Old Man. I love his hobbit feet, hairy toes and all. I love when the fog drops down so low that the street lights are all glowy. I love when he says my name. I love long goodbye kisses. I love lingering hugs. I love tattoos and designing new tattoos I may never put on my body. I love inside jokes and nods of understanding between two people that no one else gets. I love listening to classical music when I allow my mind to wonder into some great ballet choreography and I get lost in it. I love soft new age music with all the drums, the flutes and the trickling water all at the same time. I love the feel of rolling around on cool grass. I love to grab a handful of it and throw it at the nearest person. I love to pick dandelions and blow the seeds to the wind making a wish. I love that Mogo absolutely will not tell me her wish for fear it may not come true. I love that she still believes in wishes. I love spotting rainbows.

I love little stores that sell useless but pretty crap. I love the smell of old books and antiques. I love stained glass windows and the colors they make on the walls. I love empty old churches and sitting on creaky old church pews. I love driving to Julian with my family just to get coffee and window shop for a day. I love towns with no stop signs and wonder what it would be like to live there. I love windy two lane roads that go on forever. I love stopping in the middle of a road trip to stretch our legs and look about. I love cinnamon rolls and coffee together. I love talking to strangers at coffee shops and making friends with quirky people. I love watching people walk by and overhearing portions of conversations that are none of my business. I love it when I walk into a room and someone jumps up so glad to see me. I love getting flowers for no reason. I love pretty rocks. I love giving away something I have made. I love acquiring furniture. I love random boxes of pictures and things. I love writing love letters, I love getting them too. I love looking in people’s wallets to see if they have pictures. I love feeling better when I have been feeling so blue.

Ok that is 1,018 words about things I love. That is 18 more than I thought I had in me. You do it. It feels good.