Time Flies… July 26, 2009

M and C

Originally uploaded by azronmcf

Charlie will be turning 1 in August.

I know this is how it goes but sheesh. It has not really been almost a year has it? She is growing and learning and the little lightbulbs go off and you get to see her understanding when it clicks and Man, I forgot about that part. Her synapses just firing outside of her head for us all to witness. I forgot what awesome energy it puts out there to have this litle creature just soaking everything up like a sponge.

Mogo is about to enter 2nd grade. She can sit down with a book and read herself a story now. It is mind blowing to watch her reading to Charlie. Everyday she continues to amaze me. I am so blessed.

Often I forget to say it out loud how blessed I am. It is easy to go on each day wishing it were friday, wishing my weeks away. So you will forgive the gushing of yet another “Mommy Blogger” as I try to remember what there is to be grateful for because most days? I don’t stop long enough to count all the ways that I am so lucky to live my own life. The depression, the work, the not enough hours in the day.. All that seems to take over and I forget. Only to remember as they are off to bed, or as I am leaving for work in the morning that here it is… while I am wishing away my weeks and looking towards Friday, these little ones are growing and playing and learning and sometimes?

I miss it completely.

Personality/Pregnancy Differences April 6, 2009

Mogo & Charlie

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

I suppose it is a given that Mogo & Charlie are so different. I am not really sure why that surprises me. Their personalities are as different as their pregnancies were. I did not post often when I was PG with Charlie. This was mainly because I was trying not to dwell on the fear, I was trying to put only positive energy into the universe where pregnancy was involved but also because I knew that the thoughts floating in my brain were not the type to say out loud until well after the fact. Now that Charlie is 7 months old and passed the point where my PPD reared its ugly head with Mogo, I feel I can talk a little about it. I think I have escaped without falling into a black hole.

With Morrigan, my pregnancy was long. After multiple pregnancy losses and some complications requiring 5 months of bed rest, I was filled with anxiety but the post partum was far worse. In the beginning, all was well but slowly I developed a severe case of PPD. Wow, those were some of the darkest days of my life. It took over a year after giving birth to Mogo for me to feel somewhat “normal” again. Now, with Charlie, the pregnancy was normal with the exception of a little thing called Gestational Diabetes. Depression and anxiety showed up much earlier for Charlie’s pregnancy though, those very dark days were met with instant relief the minute she entered the world. Toward the end, I was going absolutely mad. The insomnia, the nightmares about dead babies, all were just so hard to handle. It was a 1 day at a time sort of thing, sometimes it was 1 minute at a time to get through it. I was so scared. I lived at the Labor & Delivery Triage – seriously the nurses knew me and tried hard not to roll their eyes. I had an open invitation to have Charlie’s heartbeat checked any hour of the day. Eventually, Charlie was taken early… for my sake, not hers. I simply could not last another day of not knowing if she would live. Despite the fact that she was perfect and growing beautifully, I was certain the longer she stayed in there the more danger she was in. I simply had to have that baby out – she would be safer in a NICU than in my belly as far as I was concerned. It was so irrational and I knew it was irrational, but it did not stop being true… in my mind anyways. My OB/GYN was awesome. She humored me, she understood, but she also helped to encourage me to hang in there as long as possible. In the end, she agreed that my mental state was not helping Charlie or my blood pressure and she agreed to take her early. I actually showed up at L&D and told them I intended to have my baby that day. No, I was not in labor but I was done and I was not leaving there without a baby. One look at my Old Man confirmed that no, I was not kidding.

You know… I am grateful Charlie was ok and that the only consequences of my impatience were a lazy suck and some formula supplementation. I got off easy. I can only imagine the guilt that would follow had she experienced any complications as a result of my insistence that she make her birth date 3 weeks too soon.

Since her birth, there has been no depression, no horrifying thoughts. The only pictures in my mind have been of bouncing babies and not babies bouncing (as in down the stairs). Charlie has been able to have a Mom that is present; a mom that is clear-headed and sane. She seems so innocent and so new to the world unlike her sister, who always seemed to have this very old soul. I am grateful that I am not experiencing PPD this time but I can’t help but feel like Mogo was cheated. When Mogo was born, I was elated. I had so much joy about her entry into this place that the love seemed to physically hurt. The fear was debilitating. It went so far beyond waking up and checking to see if she was breathing. My jaw would not unclench, my hands shook, and I became concerned that I would neglect her or hurt her. I did not think I was safe to be alone with my own daughter. I knew something was wrong but I thought if I told anyone, they would take her from me. It wasn’t until I decided I was nuts enough that maybe someone should take her from me that I spoke up. I avoided inpatient treatment by the skin of my arse. I was determined to nurse. The only reason they let me go home was because I had a good support system. Matt would leave for work and wonder what he would be coming home to. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever forgive me for that. I am not sure I could forgive it.

Granted, I got the help I needed. Mogo has continued to develop normally and we are bonded; I just can’t help but think that she was cheated out of something very important because her mom went crazy for the first year of her life. I wonder if when she is a woman and starting to think about having her own children, if she will understand when I tell her about what PPD looks like. I wonder if she will be angry with me or feel somehow less loved that I did not have the same problem with Charlie. It just doesn’t seem fair that Mogo has not been able to experience a carefree childhood. She has experienced so much in her little life. She is wise beyond her years. I don’t know if that is because of her experiences or if she arrived in the womb that way. I would like to think that perhaps she chose us because her spirit knew she could handle it. I’d like to think that I am not the reason my 6 year old talks to me like she is 40.

Back 2 Work October 28, 2008

This is the sign I have posted on my office door when it is time for my lactation breaks. Oh the joys of pumping at work but that is another blog for another day.

 

If work were any fun we would have to pay them and stand in line. Since I seem to be at a loss for things to write about I will just fall back on the old standby… a top 10 list. 

Top 10 things I could use right now in my first week back to work.

1. Sleep – and lots of it. If I am holding the sweet little bundle, Charlie will saw logs for an hour or two at a time, if I attempt to put her in her bassinet or swing though I am certain to wake the little beast. Sleeping sitting up with a small child on your chest leads to 2 things: very little quality sleep and a royal pain in my arse (that would be a literal pain in my arse)

2. A well deserved pint of Guinness – On Friday night to celebrate if and when I complete this first week back to work with out committing any violent crimes.

3. Milkscreen -  Ok so when I saw a similar product at the local Baby Super Store, I was all sorts of critical. I mean what kind of lush needs to test her breast milk for alcohol content anyways? This kind of lush that’s who. Pumping & dumping is all well and good but how long after your last drink do you have to do it, how many times, will I inadvertently get the baby drunk? AARRGGHHH!

So, I am keen to buy some of these bad boys so that I can thoroughly enjoy my well deserved pint of Guinness (or 3) on Friday.

4. A Massage – Well a girl could always use one of these but this week after sleeping upright with a babe in my arms every night and what with all the stress associated with a new schedule for me and my boobies well, I could use one now more than ever.

5. A Breast Lift – After the first year of nursing of course but sheesh I never knew they could be so squishy. I am seriously going to need a little nip tuck on the girls once Charlie is through with me. For now I would settle for a decent nursing bra that does not accentuate the hangy-downiness of the girls. Let me tell you it is waaay attractive, I mean me & the girls… we are HAWT!

6. A Streaming Video Monitor thingie – I do not know if one exists but what I really need is a baby monitor/Nanny Cam that will send me streaming video of what is happening at our house. I miss the babe. I wanna see what she is up to. I wanna hear the gurgles and see the new smiles and goofy tongue faces while I am at work. While you are at it, make sure it has smell-o-vision or something cause I miss the sweet baby smell too. Who am I kidding? I would get no work done if I had one.

7. A Regular Dose of Prozac – Those who know me, may know that I am horribly bad about taking daily medication. I have little to no discipline. So yet again, I have been forgetting to take my Prozac regularly for some time now (and yes, I am aware this defeats the whole purpose). I am thinking now that I am back at work, I will have a regular routine and will therefore do better with it.

Note to self: You cannot afford to not take your psych meds.

8. 10 Arms – Like the Goddess Kali or something. Truth is I need to be able to multi task now more than ever. Mogo is adjusting but I know she is bummed that the baby has so very many needs and Charlie comes first a lot these days. The Old Man has been fabulous at picking up my slack but she doesn’t want him to do anything for her she wants her Mommy. Can’t say as I blame her, I often what exactly what is not available or convenient for others.

Needless to say it would be nice to be able to cuddle up my big 6 year old with one set of hands while nursing or changing the baby with the other, all while cooking dinner on a hot stove or maybe going to the bathroom by myself. Preferably, I would like to do all of this without anyone crying or yelling at me.

9. A 10 lb. Box of Money that Does Not Rattle – This particular item always seems to come up on these lists of mine. We are broke as usual but we are particularly broke these days. Old Man has a new job… his official title is “House Honey”. We decided rather than have him work to pay for daycare; he could just be the daycare. It will be worth it but it will require some serious belt tightening. I am just glad that I know the person taking care of our kiddos is someone who loves the girls as much as I do.

10. My Sense of Humor – I used to have one. Now I am just as grumpy as the Old Man. I forgot about all the sleeplessness that comes with a newborn. I forgot how gnarly it was between the Old Man and me when Mogo was born what with our lack of a funny bone and all. In fact, I think we forgot about a bunch of stuff that comes with a new baby. A sense of humor would really help right now. Hey, maybe I would find one if I were taking my Prozac regularly. You think?

Big Sister Mogo October 3, 2008

So, Mogo is a big sister! She loves her Charlie but is adjusting to all the changes in her world; a new school year, new sister, sharing a room, sharing her Mommy – a girl can get overwhelmed so easily. She is only now convinced that she won’t have to share her toys for quite awhile. She has been a big help, often to the point of being completely un-helpful but she supposes we must keep Charlie since she doesn’t have an “electrical cord” anymore and we can’t put her back with out one of those.

I think she is also relieved to have a spot on my lap again. She grew so much while I was PG that she barely fits anymore. How time flies. I can’t even imagine Mogo being Charlotte’s size, it seems like it happened to someone else entirely. We are plugging along though and we are all trying hard not to kill each other with all of these changes and of course, there is the sleep deprivation… that is always helpful.

The sisters seem to be getting along famously though. See?

Some day I will get as much sleep as this one.

for now I will settle for a few hours here and there and remember that it is all so very worth it.

Meet Charlotte Lane October 2, 2008

Charlotte Lane was born on August 27, 2008 at 12:20 p.m.
She was 6lbs. 5 oz and 19 inches long.
Mom & baby girl are a-o-k and big sister Morrigan is thrilled.

We have been having some problems in the weight gain department, I have been a bit of a wreck and getting to the computer has been difficult at best. Thanks for checking in on occasion. I will check back in when I get the little one to sleep for longer than an hour!

Love to you all

-Mogo & Charlie’s Mom

Mogo & her baby. February 9, 2008

Stay with me guys, I am a little scattered today.  So far all has been pretty uneventful – just the way I like it. Things seem to be going swimmingly. I of course still have to check for spotting on and off though out the day but mostly I am feeling very pregnant and my jeans are too tight.  That said I have been trying not to talk about the baby unless Mogo does. I have been trying to keep fairly neutral about it so as not to get her all over the moon excited. I have not been all gloom and doom with her or anything just trying to remind her that we have LOTS of time before the baby comes and that we just have to wait & see what happens.  

Well, I don’t think I have any control over it (I don’t think I ever did). Mogo is over the moon. She has been making up sweet lullabies for her baby in the back of my car, planning where we are going to put her baby’s crib. Yep, that’s right – it is her baby now. She promises that she will not wake the baby and that she will climb into the crib to give the baby love when her baby cries (YIKES!). She has really given this a lot of thought. She swears that even if she does not like her baby sometimes she will always be gentle. Unless the baby steals her toys or drools on her, then she will put her baby in time out “really a lot.” 

Mogo also thinks she should help in naming her baby. Seeing as her imaginary friends names have ranged from Night Stand to Post-Driver – well, I am not thinking that she should be allowed to name her own doll babies let alone a sibling. What prey tell are Mogo’s ideas for names, you ask? Lema or Lampy. 

While I will not allow her to name the kid, I think I will allow her to name the fetbryo. I will thus refer to the little morning sickness magnet as Lampy from now until its birth. A 5 year old Big Sister should feel like she is involved after all.  

So here is my real question… is it unhealthy to allow her to plan? I mean I felt really strongly that she already knew about the pregnancy and so it was important just to be straight with her but now I am wondering if perhaps it is mean that we did that. If this one doesn’t “stick” will her enormous little heart be broken?

Telling the girl… February 6, 2008

 It has been a struggle for me to decide when we should let Mogo in on the baby business. Pros vs. Cons were weighed and after it all, I just could not justify being anything less that honest with her. So we told Mogo about the pregnancy. Since about the time we discovered I was PG, she has been acting out a bit more. I attribute most of that to the change in vibe at our house. Kids are smart and they know when their parents aren’t being straight with them. It is obvious that I am not feeling very well, and I won’t pick her up these days, Old Man & I have been speaking in code, and on occasion I will break into giggles on the phone with one of my friends. There is no way she did not notice that something was happening. If I know Mogo, she has been royally pissed off that we are not letting her in on the secret. Hence, the extra temper fits and whiny, obnoxious 5 year old behaviors.  

So, Old Man & I decided that it would not make much difference if we waited until after the first trimester to tell her because the fact is, she already knew.  For weeks this child has been talking about babies way more than usual. There was even a sort of disturbing conversation about my cycle and whether I had a baby in my tummy (I will save that for another post). She has been pumping the Old Man & I for info, asking us the same questions to see if she was getting the same answers. She knew something was happening, she has been through it before and the girl has a mind like a steel trap – she never forgets. It seemed wrong to continue talking around the subject like we had been.  Old Man & I agreed that we would approach it like we do just about everything else; we would just be straight with her. Just like when we warn her that a shot is probably going to hurt for a minute or that her medicine is not going to taste very good. There is no need to sugar coat anything with her. She operates better when she knows what is going to happen. She is better prepared. Maybe not all kids operate that way but Mogo does and always has.  

I know that if the pregnancy were to fail at this point, it would not affect her any less if we kept it from her. She would still be in the middle of a whirlwind; she just wouldn’t have a name for it. Besides, she has experienced pregnancy loss before. She understands the concept of death better than most adults I know. It is sad and I wish she did not have to have that knowledge but this fact just adds another dimension to who she is. I am not sure I would change that part of her. It may sound selfish but often she teaches me about those concepts too.  

Her response to the news broke my heart and made me laugh at the same time. She simply said “Okay Mom but I don’t want that Dead thing happening again, OK?” I told her that like everything else in the world; the only guarantee is that Mommy & Daddy love her. We will have to say a few prayers and hold a good thought that all will work out. She agreed that we would do just that. … and then,  we started talking about all the things a Big Sister is supposed to do. She is busy planning it all out. I am afraid to admit it but so am I.

Randomness… January 11, 2008

So, I had my first bit of Morning sickness this a.m. Yep, it still sucks. With Mogo it was Morningnoonandnight sickness. I also remember why I stuck to yogurt or oatmeal first thing in the mornings. Note to self… choose foods that will taste the same coming up as it did going down. Bleck.

There must be something about the pregnancy hormones that makes it impossible to think about much other than the impending pregnancy. Even when I am thinking of other things it all seems to relate back to babies. I have a one track mind. I am usually easily distracted by shiny objects but I am not sure that the most sparkly of diamonds would deter my one track mind right now (I think it would be fun to find out though – got any extras you want to send me? We could test that theory of mine)

As I was saying… I cannot concentrate on much else other than sleep, pregnancy, and peeing. That’s it; my interests are all pretty well taken up by bodily functions and fluffy bunnies and little yellow duckies. My brain is mush and did anyone else have insomnia when they were PG? I had it with Mogo, Aidan and now with this one. I have been wide awake at 2:00 a.m. and unable to get back to sleep until 4:00 every morning since before the test came back positive. With Mogo it was ridiculous because I was on 5 months of bed rest and insomnia when you are on bed rest is really just a very cruel joke for the Gods to play on a pregnant woman.

Oh, and did I tell you all that I got rid of all my baby stuff? When we moved last, I had decided that I was not going to get to have another kiddo and I gave away/sold all my baby gear so I would not have to move it. The crib… gone. Baby clothes (with the exception of a few time capsule type items), maternity clothes, blankets, almost all of it is gone. I guess that means I am going to have to shop. I am not buying anything prematurely but I think I will start setting aside money so that I can go a on a major shopping spree the week before this little one gets here. (Wow, I sound very optimistic don’t I?) Good thing we live right next door to a Babies-R-Us and a Target huh?

Update January 10, 2008

Too soon to see anything but my HCG’s are more than doubling. I have another ultrasound next week. They said they would do one a week until they get a heart beat.

More later…

Hurry up and wait. January 9, 2008

Ok so, all I know today is that the HCG level as of yesterday was at 235 which is a respectable number. Progesterone levels are at 18.5 also respectable. The Doc could not see a sac yet but there was something suspicious on my left ovary which could just be a normal corpus luteum cyst but to be safe he is breaking out the big guns and I will have a formal ultra sound tomorrow morning and another Beta HCG.

I think as long at the beta keeps doubling and the Ultrasound shows that my perfectly heart shaped uterus is holding some sort of yolk sac, I will be just fine. Meanwhile, if I could only go for a full hour without feeling the need to go check for spotting, I think I could actually be a little hopeful.
Ignorance is bliss. What I would not give to be blissfully ignorant right now.