It’s “Just” Depression. July 14, 2009

Nature Walk @ Rattle Snake Canyon

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

This is my Depression Cycle:
Major Depression Diagnosed…
Meds prescribed…
1-2 months of taking meds regularly…
Feel Great
Forget the meds 1 or 2 days…
Take meds regularly for a week…
Forget the meds for a week straight…
“Screw the meds… this is a pain in the arse and really I feel fine.”
Going about life, all is well…
Gradually over the span of say 6 months… blah feelings, lethargy and obvious minor depression set in… (Well, it’s obvious to Old Man anyways)
Over time it works up to major crying jags and irrational behavior with Old Man and lots of chocolate and beer…
Further leading to conversations like “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds?” or “You know you were doing a lot better on the meds.” from husband… (Which is sort of like making comments about PMS after an argument – it does not go over well.)
Arguments lead to more crying and an appt. scheduled with the Shrink…
Shrink inevitably says “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds???” and “You know you have to take these forever – it’s like insulin.”
Prescription filled. Again.
Rinse, Repeat, Lather.

I have never been good about taking any sort of medication as prescribed. Birth control was lost on me. It is a wonder that I did not become a teen aged pregnancy statistic. I have probably single handedly created a “Super Bug” with my aversion to completing a full course of antibiotics. Which came first the chicken or the egg? I do not take my meds because I need to take my meds to remember to take them. Mind-boggling.

I went through this rigorous screening process to determine if I had ADD. Folks with ADD who also have depression often have problems remembering to take their medication too (did I mention this in my last post?). I thought perhaps there would be a magic pill that would help me get my shit together. I was convinced that this diagnosis would be the answer to all the weird and possibly irresponsible quirks I have become known for…

The new head-shrinker says that while I have signs of Adult ADD, apparently it is not bad enough to justify further medication. I was sort of crushed and I lost it in his office. See, because this is what I heard. “You don’t have ADD, you are just irresponsible.” and “Why can’t you just take your medication you moron?” and also “You’re an asshole and I am locking you up.”

What he actually said was “Have you been hospitalized for depression before?” and “depression causes a lot of what you have described and if you would get on a regular course of meds. and stay on it; you would feel better.” and “Here is a new medication that if you take it regularly for a while should help with all of the ADD symptoms” Did I mention that with this new medication, I have to remember to take it twice a day?

So, for a week the Blackberry has been helping me do that. For a week, I have remembered to take my medication twice a day. I have also had 2 gnarly Anxiety attacks, I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head any minute, and I lie awake at 2:00 a.m. staring at the shadows on my bedroom wall that have transformed into a woman’s face and I swear if she starts talking to me, I will let you all know what she thinks about it all.