Dear Refrigerator Thief, January 30, 2008

Didn’t your Mama ever tell you not to take things that don’t belong to you??? The Budget Gourmet in the Freezer was not yours to eat. It clearly said my name in black sharpie – right on the top. Where I come from, that claims any and all food in the fridge. To eat food marked as such would bring down a curse of a thousand paper cuts. You did not buy it fair and square at the .99 cent store. I have it on good authority that the hungry preggo lady on the 5^th floor was sort of counting on that little bit of frozen goodness in order to not puke at work. Thank you very much. You suck.
Sincerely,

The Hungry Preggo Lady on the 5^th floor

Baby Crazies January 28, 2008

Ok so if I am not talking about my growing paranoia or my pregnancy angst it seems I just don’t have anything to talk about. I am a girl with a 1 track mind. I am in a word OBSESSED with all things baby. It is making working very difficult and I am positive that I am impossible to live with.

 

Do you all remember Jr. High or High School crushes? You know the ones, when you turn into a giggling mess and become obsessed with some cute boy at school? I was a serial crusher. I was always crushing on someone. I remember this feeling vividly. I am having body memories of this as I type. “Cute Boy” was all I could think or talk about. I ate, slept, and breathed all things “Cute Boy.” I could feel my brain cells dying off in a hormone induced haze. I stood by and watched as this other part of me made a silly fool out of herself what with all the hair tossing and the permi-smile burned on to my face as “Cute Boy” walked by. I would utter dramatic sighs and lament to my girlfriends on the phone, at lunch, and in detailed written reports of imagined or real interactions with said “Cute Boy.” What I wanted was to not care. I wanted to be done with him, I wanted to act like a normal human being, it was just impossible. “Cute Boy” had invaded my brain. Frankly he sort of pissed me off.

 

Well this is sort of like that… only… not.

 

Baby has invaded my brain; seriously it is mush these days. I want to be rational. I want to “Let it go,” I embarrass myself for checking out my “baby bump” in the mirror to see if I have any hint yet or if it is just my overly round belly, as usual. Thing is, that I won’t really look preggo for quite some time, unless I resort to maternity tops early on in the game. You see, big girls really just look like they have gained a few 30 lbs. until the very end. It just is not fair.

 

I find myself searching “Pregnancy” on Yahoo and being surprised that I have read all this before. I keep wondering when they are going to tell me something new.

 

I have even gone to Baby Name websites breaking my own rules about the jinx. Even worse, I have engaged in baby name conversations with my Old Man. Non-sequitor type conversations that go like:

 

Old Man: “Babe, did you pack Mogo’s lunch?”

Me: “Nope but what do you think about Lola?”

Old Man: (raises eyebrow – just one)”Lola? Nah, but I was thinking, what about Rudyard?”

 

You know, like that. All – out of the blue – secret married people language type conversations. My Old Man is crazy too but it is only because I have driven him there. He is not really the type to get the baby crazies. I just love it that he humors me and participates once in a while. Now if only I could tell Mogo, I know she would be right there with me.

One Word… January 23, 2008

Heartbeat Nuff said.

Change of heart… January 22, 2008

So ultrasound tomorrow! Hoping to see the little bugger in there this time maybe even a heartbeat. That would be fabulous.

 

I have given this blogging thing much thought and I came to the conclusion that I have enough fear and concern about it all; blogging about this topic really just adds to the energy I give that fear. I can imagine my fear and angst just floating about on the internets. That can’t be good. I am not sure if that makes any sense. I am not even sure I care.

 

So, I decided that if I am going to survive the next 33(ish) weeks of pregnancy, I cannot continue to write about all the fear and angst here. I am going to try using some of the stuff I have learned from “The Secret.” I need as much positive energy I can get. I need to use positive language. This is new stuff for me, I will have to practice staying positive for this to work. I have been diligent in practicing my meditation and that seems to help keep my head on straight. No doubt the fear will return, I cannot turn it on and off like a switch. Some days will be a diamond, some will be a rock but I am going to keep that fear close so as not to give it too much power.

 

Right now, I feel really good about things – I feel calm and secure. I am going to just “act as if.” I will write about the milestones and keep you all posted on my progress and of course should it all go to hell in a hand basket, I will post about that too.

Happy B-Day Dr. King. January 21, 2008

This is what Mogo had to say on the subject…

“Dr. King died because the people didn’t like his words. I think he scared them. I get scared sometimes too.”

Yeah, me too Mogo. So Thanks Dr. King. Thank you for your words, and for scaring people in just the right ways, we could all use a little scaring now and then.

Oh and thanks for giving me a  random Monday off to spend with my girl.

House Warming January 17, 2008

Welcome to my new digs. Take off your coat and stay a while.

Hurry up & Wait… January 16, 2008

I am an Ultrasound Junkie. I expect that should this pregnancy continue to full gestation, I will be finagling my way into radiology on a regular basis to see that little heartbeat or watch that little bugger suck his or her thumb. I know because I did it with Mogo (well, the preeclampsia and low amniotic fluid did the finagling). I got to see her shinning face once a week my whole pregnancy although she wouldn’t show us her girlie bits until well into the 8^th month (she’s sort of stubborn that way).

Because of my history of being the “Baby Death Machine” the Doctor Type folks at my local health care provider are really taking extra good care of me. I even got the OB Nurses’ direct number to call if I have questions; which is basically unheard of in my experience. So I love that they are treating me with Kidd gloves as opposed to just writing me off as paranoid (which I am but apparently, it is justified). They have been catering to my every paranoid Mommy whim but I am here to tell you that Ultrasounds at 6 weeks are fairly useless. Thus far, I have had 2 ultrasounds and neither has said anything remotely comforting. I get another one next week where I hope that we can see this little buggers yolk to confirm that there is indeed a little fetbryo in there but for now we are in a “Hurry up & wait” mode. I don’t mind telling you that I feel a little bit like I want to scream.

Have I mentioned that I am impatient? Whether it lasts 1 more week or 8 more months, this pregnancy is going to be very, very long indeed. Entirely too much stress for a girl who can’t have any wine.

Randomness… January 11, 2008

So, I had my first bit of Morning sickness this a.m. Yep, it still sucks. With Mogo it was Morningnoonandnight sickness. I also remember why I stuck to yogurt or oatmeal first thing in the mornings. Note to self… choose foods that will taste the same coming up as it did going down. Bleck.

There must be something about the pregnancy hormones that makes it impossible to think about much other than the impending pregnancy. Even when I am thinking of other things it all seems to relate back to babies. I have a one track mind. I am usually easily distracted by shiny objects but I am not sure that the most sparkly of diamonds would deter my one track mind right now (I think it would be fun to find out though – got any extras you want to send me? We could test that theory of mine)

As I was saying… I cannot concentrate on much else other than sleep, pregnancy, and peeing. That’s it; my interests are all pretty well taken up by bodily functions and fluffy bunnies and little yellow duckies. My brain is mush and did anyone else have insomnia when they were PG? I had it with Mogo, Aidan and now with this one. I have been wide awake at 2:00 a.m. and unable to get back to sleep until 4:00 every morning since before the test came back positive. With Mogo it was ridiculous because I was on 5 months of bed rest and insomnia when you are on bed rest is really just a very cruel joke for the Gods to play on a pregnant woman.

Oh, and did I tell you all that I got rid of all my baby stuff? When we moved last, I had decided that I was not going to get to have another kiddo and I gave away/sold all my baby gear so I would not have to move it. The crib… gone. Baby clothes (with the exception of a few time capsule type items), maternity clothes, blankets, almost all of it is gone. I guess that means I am going to have to shop. I am not buying anything prematurely but I think I will start setting aside money so that I can go a on a major shopping spree the week before this little one gets here. (Wow, I sound very optimistic don’t I?) Good thing we live right next door to a Babies-R-Us and a Target huh?

Update January 10, 2008

Too soon to see anything but my HCG’s are more than doubling. I have another ultrasound next week. They said they would do one a week until they get a heart beat.

More later…

Hurry up and wait. January 9, 2008

Ok so, all I know today is that the HCG level as of yesterday was at 235 which is a respectable number. Progesterone levels are at 18.5 also respectable. The Doc could not see a sac yet but there was something suspicious on my left ovary which could just be a normal corpus luteum cyst but to be safe he is breaking out the big guns and I will have a formal ultra sound tomorrow morning and another Beta HCG.

I think as long at the beta keeps doubling and the Ultrasound shows that my perfectly heart shaped uterus is holding some sort of yolk sac, I will be just fine. Meanwhile, if I could only go for a full hour without feeling the need to go check for spotting, I think I could actually be a little hopeful.
Ignorance is bliss. What I would not give to be blissfully ignorant right now.