She’s too young for this shit… November 28, 2007

So I was taking Mogo to school this morning and she was oh so excited to start her day. As she was jumping out of the car, she caught herself telling me just that and freaked out for a minute. She made me swear to secrecy that she ever mentioned her excitement over going to school. I did a bit of a double take and asked why on earth she would be worried about that. She replied that it just was not cool to like going to school and she did not want anyone to know that she liked it. What the Hell? Mogo is in Kindergarten. Isn’t this a little early to be dealing with that? I mean until at least 4^th grade school is supposed to be fun – right? Kids are supposed to dig it, right? I didn’t think that would happen until middle school!   

So I promised Mogo that it could be our little secret as long as she promised me she would continue to like going to school whether it is cool or not. She agreed and the conversation ended. Is it me? Do you all think Kindergarten is too soon to be worried about that?

A little background into my psyche with regards to education… I loved school. Granted I loved it mostly for the social interaction and I was never particularly good about homework and whatnot but until the 4^th grade I was excited to go. I wanted to learn and I wanted to be smart. Somewhere in there I decided that it was not “cool” to like going to school or to get good grades. I thought that in order for people to like you, you had to be dumber than they were. If you were a girl, you should be stupid and cute. Boys would only like you if you made them feel superior. I worked hard to make my peers think I was an airhead.

It was only after attending an all girl’s high school where the airhead routine was not appreciated that I saw another side of that coin. Here was a school where there was positive peer pressure and academic competition. All of a sudden it was not so cool to be an airhead who smoked and chased boys. I only started to get it then. I didn’t actually get it though. Since I didn’t fit in there, I decided it was them, it was those girls with the 4.0 GPA – those girls who joined the Speech & Debate Club who were un-cool and that I would be happier if I went to school with folks I related with – you know the dumb girls who did not think academics were important. At the all girls school, I was just an airhead and at the new public high school, I was well liked and had lots of friends and a packed social calendar – I was still failing the majority of my classes but I had lots of people I called friends. Well worth it, right? NOT.

So, I did not go to college after High School. I did not even take the SATs. I played house with a drug addict instead. I was a complete train wreck. It took well into my first marriage to decide that it was ok to be smart, clever, and outspoken. I had to work really hard to change my mannerisms from dumb blonde to interesting woman – from mousy and subservient to independent and self assured. On my worst days, I still wonder if what I think is confidant and outspoken it really just bitchy – if I am kidding myself and really I am still just that stupid little blonde girl.

I would give my left tit (and my right one for that matter) for Mogo to never even consider any of those things. I wish I knew how to prevent my kind of train wreck for her. She is too smart for that – to interesting – too creative to let the “dumb girls” change her mind about who she should be and what she should get excited about..

Turkey Day Wrap Up November 28, 2007

So Happy belated Turkey Day.

Our Turkey Day began the night before with the decorating of Turkey Cookies (see below) by the cousins. Gramma saw it in a magazine and went nuts – she prepare the assembly line for the girls and they had a blast and ate way too many of the cookies/candy corn. Turkeys turned out so cute (even if Martha would be ashamed). They were fashioned by little hands; therefore the messy is actually charming.

Our Thanksgiving Day was fairly uneventful. No Jerry Springer moments to speak of, plenty of yummy food to fill our bellies, and lots of familial love and bonding (free from any outward displays of angst.)

To begin the day, Mogo and I took an early morning walk to the local Evil Corporate Coffee Empire. I had coffee and she had Luke-warm chocolate. She was a happy girl and I got in 20 minutes of walking. Later that morning, we made a brief appearance at my Dad’s place and renewed relations with very extended family that I have not seen in a Coon’s Age. Mogo was bored out of her mind and not at all amused by the hugging of perfect strangers. I can’t say I blame her.

We then made our way over to my Aunt’s house for our Turkey Dinner. We all played nicely and made very few snarky comments. The cousins played in the grass with complete abandon and obtained the obligatory grass stains on their tights. We ate dinner and pie. We stayed for a little while later and then headed off for home to get sweet Mogo off to bed.

I finished off the night with a coffee date with one of my dearest friends where we rehashed her Jerry Springer Thanksgiving and I listened with very little to add. We drank too much coffee and smoked too many cigarettes and I did not get home until 2:00 a.m. on Friday. It was much needed girl bonding time.

So I am grateful. I am grateful that I have a Mogo at all, that I have family that loves me to feel angsty about and that I have all that I need and most of what I want.

I am rich indeed (and apparently the Prozac is doing its job).

My head is a size smaller… I swear. November 21, 2007

So, I went to a new Head Shrinker and she did that Crazy Voodoo head shrinking thing she gets paid to do. I told her about my Mother (even though I vowed I was not going to) and we rehashed the craziness that has been my life over the past 10-15 years. Apparently, it is no wonder I am anxious (lack of any serious Mother issues aside). It feels like I have been in crisis since age 17 because well… I have been. Now that my world is filled with a little less Drug Addicted Ex-Husband, fewer dead babies (this week anyways) and is instead filled with a little bit more “what the hell am I going to cook for the PTA pot-luck?” and “Oh shit I need an oil change like pronto” I have to figure out how to respond to non-crisis like stimulus in a normal mellow manner (and no, I don’t get to smoke pot to achieve this). I guess the head shrinker is gong to help me learn how to do all that with the help of an ungodly amount of Prozac. Sounds like a tall order to me.

My head will continue to shrink once a week for an hour or so; at this rate I should be in a smaller hat size by next fall. “Jill” – The Head Shrinker is very easy to talk to and not at all the blonde bimbo cheerleader type my inner asshole assumed she would be. I think she will be someone I can do business with and I guess that is a start. So, stay tuned, I fully intend to become well adjusted any minute.

Things are a-o-k November 19, 2007

So, I was sitting on the floor with Mogo on Saturday and we were playing with Lincoln Logs. I have never in my life played with Lincoln Logs. My brother had some if I recall but I believe they were off limits to the pesky little sister. Anyhoo, Mogo and I made a Lincoln Log and Little People neighborhood and we had a blast. We would build houses and knocked them over; first on accident and then just cause it was so darned fun. Then we would laugh and laugh. Great big belly laughs that hurt your side a little. We put her little people furniture in the houses and made little families with all the Little People and sheesh my girl has the most vivid imagination. All the Little People had a back story and they were all family living on the same street. There were little people squabbles and issues about who’s turn it was to make dinner. There was a plot line and funny voices, there were horses doing their horsie things and dogs doing their doggie things. I lost myself in her world. For a minute or 20, I was 5 too.

I don’t remember the last time I got down on the floor with her and just hung out playing pretend with my girl. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the grown up BS and forget that there is this really cool little girl to play with. I take so much for granted sometimes.
I love being 5.

Spammers Suck November 15, 2007

You know, when the spammers were at least a little creative and coming up with cool quotes and random musings, I almost didn’t want to delete them. They were interesting then. Now, I just wish they would go away.

I am not sure if I should be relieved that the only people I am subjecting to my rantings are the cock enhancers and viagra peddlers or if I should be bummed about it.

Life on life’s terms and whatnot November 15, 2007

So I have been MIA for a bit. Dealing with life on life’s terms and whatnot. It is the whatnot that always seems to get me. Now I am trying to re-group and start again. My last post was whiny to say the least. Basically that is where I have been lately; I have been to the Land of whiny. Just call me Eeyore.

At last posting I was having sort of a shit-hemorrhage. You see there was this “thing” that had been lost at work. This was the sort of thing that you just should not loose ever and if you do, it means your ass. Of course it was not a thing that I lost but it was lost none-the-less and my name was on it so I am ultimately responsible for it. This is a situation I had no control over and I had to simply sit back and wait to see if the wayward “thing” found its way back to where it belonged. Have I mentioned that I don’t do well when I have no control? Well, I had decided the sky was falling. I fully expected to walk into work the next day and find that I had also lost my job. Let the downward spiral of my thinking begin.

So, long story short, the wayward “thing” magically appeared back where it belonged and the person who lost it kissed just the right amount of my ass cheek. All is well that ends well. Meanwhile I worked myself up into a bit of a tizzy and I have not been able to convince my endorphins or my stomach that the crisis has been averted. Do not try to confuse me with rational perspective.

Let us just say that my inner asshole has been working overtime and I have come to a few conclusions.

1. I need to take my medication on a regular basis and stop playing psychiatrist
2. I have to get over being pissed off that I need to take medication every day
3. Therapy is no longer optional (some would argue it never was)
4. My inner asshole has been laid off. She has not been fired for poor work performance. I simply can’t afford her services any longer.
5. I have to figure out a way to react to life without jumping into crisis mode
6. Catering does not = Crisis / Argument with significant other does not = Divorce
7. Some day I will learn that I no longer need a Plan B for everything
8. The amount of coffee I have been drinking probably does not help me with the whole anxiety issue
9. I cannot afford the nervous breakdown that I feel I deserve
10. I better start saving for Mogo’s therapy fund

10 Things I could really use right now… November 2, 2007

1. A “Do-Over” on Friday, November 2, 2007.
2. A nose that works like Samantha’s on Be-Witched but I am just not that kind of witch.
3. A 10lb. box of money that does not rattle.
4. Some anti-anxiety medication to go with my Prozac.
5. A massage. Not one of those “Deep Tissue” ones that hurt but the kind where someone just gently rubs my back for an eternity with some lavender oil to the sounds of soft New-Agey music. The kind that will give me that feeling that all will really be ok.
6. Comfort food – Mom’s Tuna Surprise or Fried Chicken with homemade biscuits with and jam and lotsa-lotsa butter.
7. A stiff drink (or 5) – no umbrella, no mixers, no messing around – Just me, a high ball and a bottle of Jack. (as if)
8. A college degree.
9. Someone else’s job.
10. A little self-confidence to call my very own.

Lest you all jump to any conclusions, I did not loose my job (yet), no one died, and I am ok I just have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It was the Monday-ist sort of Friday and I am done and ready to go to bed… for a week.

Is Mercury out of retrograde yet?