Rub-a-dub-dub May 23, 2007

10 Things I love about bath time!

1. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star at the top of Mogo’s lungs when she thinks no one is listening (Ditto for Rainbow Connection).
2. Quizzilla
3. Blogging un-interrupted (We will forget the fact that I have nothing of any substance to say today)
4. Damn… who the hell is she talking to in there? There is a serious discussion going on in that tub. I should remind Mogo that the maximum occupancy for the tub is 1.
5. Wrinkles on the hands and feet. I love nothing more that kissing those raisins she calls toes after her bath.
6. I could paint my toenails if I were so inclined and they might even dry without any nicks.
7. Chit chat with the old man with a few grown up kisses sneaked in there for good measure (perhaps leading to a “10 favorite things about bed time” blog in the future!).
8. I can pee in peace with the door shut. (Hey don’t knock it – I never get to pee alone anymore)
9. Slippery babies (Ok so she is not a baby anymore but I still love it when she is all slippery & clean)
10. PJ cuddles – nuff said.

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Man, I am going to hate to go back to work. I had the best day. I slept in, got coffee with my old man, picked Mogo up from school, and played paper dolls with her for an hour and we played kick ball with a beach ball in her bedroom (I know I am setting a bad precedent but we had a blast). Two more weeks off then it will be back to the grind. I am going to miss all this time with her.

If you don’t have anything nice to say… May 18, 2007

Just Shhuuuush!

Well that is what I am trying to do at least. I have gotten a reminder of things that I already knew – things that sound great in theory but I never try to apply them. After much eyeball rolling and sarcastic teasing of my poor Mother, I finally read The Secret. This isn’t really a secret at all, it is all stuff I have always known but never really bothered to apply to my life. Some of it still sounds pretty hokey but the basic premise is something I can do business with. The idea that I can decide that I am going to have a successful & happy life and alternatively, I can decide if I am going to be a basket case is somehow very freeing. It is up to me if I want to wallow in self pity or take action. The negative energy that I have been putting into my world has manifested itself over and over again. That is not to say that I thought my way into multiple miscarriages or that I asked for pain in my life but I think in a certain way, I have some responsibility for allowing my life to be one catastrophe after another.

I never really thought of myself as a pessimist (naysayer/cynic/pain in the ass) I have always sort of thought of myself as someone with a fairly good attitude, pretty open minded and generally good spirited. I am beginning to notice that I have become one of “those people.” You know the ones I am referring to. I am the girl who when I call, you cringe when you see me on the caller ID because you know that I have a new crisis or that the current crisis has taken a strange turn for the random. Now, I am not going to say that I have been making things up to get all worked up about, I have genuinely had sort of a jacked up last couple of years. I also know that I could have responded to so much of it very differently. I also have to admit that I have really been living through one crisis after another since I was 14. Either I have some serious Karma to burn off or perhaps it has something to do with me (maybe a combination of the two). I am not quite sure I buy the idea that I am going to loose weight simply by affirming to myself that I am a size 6 and grateful I can wear a string bikini but they do have a few other solid points.

So here I am; making a proclamation of sorts… I am going to be open. I am going to be open to the idea that I can affect my own life with my attitude and with the energy I put into everything I do. I am going to be conscious of my thoughts and I am going to keep a vision of what I want for myself and my family firmly in my mind. Perhaps with a new attitude, I will be able to pick myself up a little easier, dust myself off once and for all and really move forward. That is the thought anyways. After the Prozac, therapy, grief therapy, and self help books… I think I just need to change my view. This may be a tall order. It may be easier said than done. Strangely, I feel the need to change my life and change my approach to it. I have to start somewhere.

Mother’s Day Wishes May 13, 2007

This is a bitter-sweet day for me; as it seems to be every year. I am so grateful to have my sweet Mogo and so very sad that I did not get the chance to know my other little ones. I am done trying to sort it all out. Deserves just don’t have anything to do with what happens in the world. So this is the best I can do today…To all the Moms out there, To the good ones, the ones who could use a little work, those with live children, those who’s children have died, the ones who have only ever experienced the pregnancy part, the ones who haven’t bothered to know who their children are or where they are for that matter, to those who have given children up so they could have a better life, and to those who have found them and given them loving homes.To the young ones, the old ones, the dead ones, the ones who are way too young to know what they are doing and to those who swear they know everything.We are all Mom’s and we all have such a huge impact on the world whether we know it or not.

Happy Mothers Day to us all!

Love, Beth

Mommy to:
Morrigan – Born 9/16/02 (4 years old)
An Angel – miscarried 9/16/06
Aidan – Born Still 9/22/05
An Angel – Ectopic 8/19/99
Chelsea – Miscarried 2/19/97

The Size of a Kiwi my Arse… May 9, 2007

2 Weeks out and I have been mostly MIA, having been sufficiently obliterated on vicodin (aka. Goofballs), and spending time with my Girl and my Old Man. I have been over doing it and trying to fit as much as I can into each day and still wondering “why oh why does my stomach feel like I just did 50+ sit ups?” I know I am a dumb ass.

So, I am minus not one but THREE cysts from my right ovary. It seems what they thought was a 6×7 cm. complex cyst was really more like a 6×7 INCH simple cyst (eh, inches, centimeters… what’s the diff?) in addition to two other piss-ant cysts right next to it (so much for the kiwi comparison, eh?). All was benign, my reproductive organs are intact (thank the Gods!). I can try to conceive again after 6 months or so if we want to. I really do want to but, now that I am experiencing what was basically a C-section with out the benefit of a baby… I am not sure I want to do this whole abdominal surgery thing again. I am threatening to go on the pill until I figure out if I want to subject myself and those I love to yet another pregnancy (I have said that before though so, don’t hold me to it).

The surgery has left me with a little bit of clean up to do with regard to Mogo. She has not figured out if she is pissed off at me or not. One minute I am the anti-Christ and the next she freaks out if I leave the room to pee by myself – God forbid I leave to pick up the mail. She has become clingy and oh so whiney. The last time I was hospitalized was when we lost our son I was gone for 5 days. She came to visit me in the hospital and we tried to be straight with her and explain everything as well as we could but she has become leery of hospital/doctor visits and even a trip to the pediatrician is begun with questions about if she is going to die or will she get to come home. We tried to prepare her as best as we could for my hospital visit by letting her know what was happening but two nights and three days in the hospital was a little much for her. I am afraid that she has started to revisit some of her insecurities related to the death of our son. It is hard to try and explain to her what is happening. She is a smart cookie and so very clever but she is still just 4. She is so big in some ways and so very little in others. Sometimes I find that I forget that she is just 4. I expect her to grasp things that she could not possibly fathom simply because she uses such big words.

She is pretty great though and I love every minute I get with her. We have been making beaded necklaces and various art projects. We have been going for short walks and reading together a bunch. Slowly she is starting to adjust to the new routine of Mommy at home – she will probably adjust completely just in time for me to go back to work then it will all start again.