Math Homework September 27, 2010

I have never been good with math. I remember late nights at the dinner table with my Mom & my Step Father, Lane going over long division or multiplication tables. Those were some very hard nights. The transition to positive and negative numbers put me in a tailspin that I never quite came out of. I remember Lane trying every which way to explain those mathematical operations; all the tricks and the memory devices and I also remember my brain turning  off so it was really no use because by that time, he was speaking another language. We would all go to bed frustrated and I felt 2 inches tall. At some point, I decided that it was just not worth my time. I stopped trying. He stopped trying. The teachers, they also stopped trying.

Now I have Mogo, my little 3rd grade girl. We have already started with the late nights of math homework. My inner asshole screams loudly “but I already did 3rd grade! I couldn’t do it then, how am I supposed to explain it to her now???”

I am here to tell you that this side of the table is very different. I literally saw the moment when her brain shut down for the night. Those light bulbs I have seen over her head as she figured out how to tie her shoes or how to put one foot in front of the other… well, let’s just say there was a very loud pop. So, I told her to go to bed, we could finish up the next day. If we had stayed up until the bitter end it would have been fruitless.

Here is the thing… I will not stop trying to help her understand. I will figure out a way to help her along. I will not make her go to bed feeling like she has failed. I will not allow her teachers to stop trying either. I get that this might sound dramatic but really now is when it counts. If she decides she can’t do it this early, she will have that with her for the rest of her education. If she tackles this, then she will know she can tackle anything.

Besides, I know something now that I did not know then. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Mogo, her Dad & I will try every freaking way to help her understand. So as she heads to bed after another endless math session, I will kiss her sweet little head and I will remind her that she can do anything… because, she really can.

Protest. September 26, 2010

This was written at a writer’s workshop this weekend where the prompt was simply the word “Protest.” I am hoping to start getting into some creative writing and I am going to try to use prompts until I can get it together to come up with something original!

There are a great many things that deserve protest or civil disobedience. I know the issues close to my heart. Lately there have been a great many things that I would love to lend my voice to. I am proud of those who are active in speaking out for the “little guy.” I wish I had the nerve or the luxury of being so active. There is a certain amount of investment associated with protesting, with standing up for those who do not have a voice. This is an investment I am not sure I can afford.

I have always thought it would have been great to have lived during the late 60′s, to be active politically and to have participated in the making of changes in or nation that took place so long ago. I have always felt a little like I was born too late, in the wrong time. I feel strongly that people should have the right to speak “Truth to Power.” Freedom of speech is something we should all be grateful for, it is something we as Americans take for granted.
Now, I just have to figure out how to really want to protect or support those freedoms for the folks whose opinions are contrary to mine. In those cases I have a hard time not thinking that tear gas, or duct tape might be a better response. I like to say that Freedom of Speech applies to everyone. It sounds nice doesn’t it? In reality, most of the time I think if you disagree with me you ought to just shuush.

There I said it.

10 Things I miss About Cable TV July 29, 2010

When all else fails, make a list…

1. On Demand - I love this feature. I guess it works if you have some other pay channel too but we always do HBO and I love most of their series. Ever since Dream On (WAY before On Demand). I was too young to be watching but I loved sneaking down stairs and watching that show, boobies and all. Of course, Sex in the City was a great show to watch with the girls but in the last 5-7 years HBO has been doing some really creative stuff.
2. Guiding Light - Of course, even if I had cable it would be a moot point because they canceled the longest running soap in history (Bastards). I watched this show with my Mom as a kid (since 8-9 years old maybe). Up until a year ago, I was still keeping up with it via online synopsis at the very least and watching online episodes on occasion once I figured out how that worked. I loved the cheezey plot lines, the fact that each woman on there had 7-10 last names because they had been married so many times. When I was a kid, I imagined my family was just like the Lewis clan (of course then I grew up and realized that I did not want my Mom to die every 3-4 years then return from the dead)
3. Hallmark Commercials - Especially around the holidays… that one where the big brother came home from college? That one killed me. I cried like a baby.
4. “Power” Wars or “Who’s got the power” (power = the remote) - This only works if you live with someone who likes to have multiple universal remotes. I have not lived with such a person since childhood but damn that could be funny (and also a real pain in the arse).
5. DVR – No commercials nuff said.
6. Law & Order - I loved that no matter what time of day, what day of the week… you could find an episode of Law & Order at all times. (Ditto for the movie Roadhouse).
7. Weather/Natural Disaster Updates – OK, I know I miss it now because I don’t have this luxury but I really hate it when I actually have cable because the local news beats a horse to death and it gets pretty depressing after awhile. Still it is nice when you see smoke on the horizon to be able to turn on a local station and see which part of the neighborhood is on fire. Ditto for Richter Scale readings.
8. Background noise – I hate being alone in a house that is too quiet. Sometimes I need some background noise.
9. Discovery Channel/Animal Planet – These channels have awesome programming and I am usually not afraid for Mogo to be in the room while they are on.
10. Infomercials - These are great at 2:00 a..m. when you can’t sleep. I always have to fight not to buy the worlds coolest gadgets. I think this is genetic… my mother bought a Flowbee 1990? Maybe it was 1991… and she used it too. That is how I got my hair cuts in high school; with a Flowbee. I should also mention that not only did my Mom have and use a Flowbee, she burned it out after 7 years and had to hunt down a new one to replace it.

All that said… there is one big reason I do not miss cable at all… The Disney Channel. With the exception of Phineas & Ferb (who rock), I could go my whole life and never see another Hannah Montana episode again. It is worth it not to have cable because I don;t have to argue about programming choices or time limits on the TV watching.  Occasionally (Like on Sunday night when True Blood is about to start) I think about ordering again…. then Mogo will come out of her room singing a song from Hannah or from High School Musical and it seals the deal.

What the hell should I write about now? July 27, 2010

I started this blog once upon a time when I had all sorts of inner turmoil; miscarriages, stillbirth, infertility with a lowercase i, new mommy angst. For some reason when I needed to vent this was so easy. Bitching about grief , my anxiety over pregnancy or lack thereof made for great blog material. I had so much to say.

I have 2 healthy kiddos. Doc says I am in remission from my depression as long as I take my meds, the topic of marriage is mostly off limits except to say that generally it is pretty wonderful, and of course I don’t wanna get “Dooced” so there will be no conversation about work. That really does not leave much unless I write about what a pain in the arse our baby kitty is (the damned thing eats shoes! Grrr).

So, I am sitting here with nothing to write about. I guess this is why I stopped blogging for so long. What do you write about when you get most of what you want in the world? I would love to have this creative outlet, I just need to fashion it so it is not just a giant bitch-fest for me. Maybe short stories or something. Everything I write seems like crap though. I have written and deleted 3 blog posts since my last posting. Funny thing is when I was blogging fairly regularly, I didn’t care if it was crap. I was writing to release something.  I still feel like I have something to release but I don’t know what that is now.

So, for those of you who blog… what sorts of things make you want to write?

The Forgetful Blogger… July 22, 2010

Hi All, I have let things get rather dusty around here haven’t I? Well I plumb forgot that this thing was here just begging to be updated. I am sure y’all have been waiting with bated breath for me to tell you what I had for breakfast.

It was an apple fritter from Starbucks if you must know, and also a hugemongous vanilla latte. I was late for work so I figured it would not hurt much to wait in the long line at the Bucks for coffee while I was at it.

The kids are great, Mogo is quickly approaching 8 years old and the 3rd grade. Charlie will turn 2 in August. Little light bulbs are going off all the time! The Old Man is good too. He has been discovering his spiritual path and it is truly awesome to watch. We have a lot of Buddha stuff happening at our place. Lots of Zen. Most of it is not coming from me though. I am trying and the Old Man is fairly patient.

I am here.

I am alive, and doing all the deals (even when they suck).

I am trudging the road to happy destiny. Trudging indeed.

The new Meds are working., Doc says I am in “Complete Remission” from depression. Since I posted last, I have quit smoking, come up with a budget that works for us and paid off all our debt. I have increased my credit score from “OMG that is really bad” to Meh, could be worse.” I am proud of myself. I am also keenly aware that all of this is directly correlated with taking my meds regularly. I am almost done being pissed off that I have to take them forever. Almost. I sometimes find myself forgetting a dose or two in a row and then I panic.

You know what still happens when you are no longer depressed? Not much different. More like a cloud lifts or someone turns on a light. It is not drastic though it felt drastic in the beginning. I think that was a honeymoon period or something. You know what though? You still get sad, you still wish things were different. The difference is that I am motivated to make it different rather than just wishing.

Next stop is to take a class about home buying. Cause, how in the hell does one get it together enough to buy a freaking house??? This is where I really miss Lane (my Step-Dad). He would sit down with me and help me figure it all out. Of course he would probably go in to greater detail about the fall of the housing market than I would care for and it might turn ugly but sheesh that guy walked me through most things financial.It is really weird to think of buying a house and not having his input.

Anyway, I am coveting the neighbors homes. It really is an illness. Walking through Home Depot, IKEA, and Costco thinking of all the cool stuff I want to decorate our home with. I am debating making a binder and filling it with all my house dreams. I can’t decide if that would be positive or if that would just piss me off… could change day-to-day.

Time Flies… July 26, 2009

M and C

Originally uploaded by azronmcf

Charlie will be turning 1 in August.

I know this is how it goes but sheesh. It has not really been almost a year has it? She is growing and learning and the little lightbulbs go off and you get to see her understanding when it clicks and Man, I forgot about that part. Her synapses just firing outside of her head for us all to witness. I forgot what awesome energy it puts out there to have this litle creature just soaking everything up like a sponge.

Mogo is about to enter 2nd grade. She can sit down with a book and read herself a story now. It is mind blowing to watch her reading to Charlie. Everyday she continues to amaze me. I am so blessed.

Often I forget to say it out loud how blessed I am. It is easy to go on each day wishing it were friday, wishing my weeks away. So you will forgive the gushing of yet another “Mommy Blogger” as I try to remember what there is to be grateful for because most days? I don’t stop long enough to count all the ways that I am so lucky to live my own life. The depression, the work, the not enough hours in the day.. All that seems to take over and I forget. Only to remember as they are off to bed, or as I am leaving for work in the morning that here it is… while I am wishing away my weeks and looking towards Friday, these little ones are growing and playing and learning and sometimes?

I miss it completely.

Missing: 1 blog roll. July 14, 2009

How does one loose a blog roll? Seems that is exactly what I have done. It is not like loosing my keys, or my shoes.  A blog roll is sort of stationary… doesn’t really go wondering off like that usually. Well, apparently mine does – she must be out having an adventure. 

Anyone know where I could find it? My WordPress Dashboard is of no help at all.

It’s “Just” Depression. July 14, 2009

Nature Walk @ Rattle Snake Canyon

Originally uploaded by MogosMama

This is my Depression Cycle:
Major Depression Diagnosed…
Meds prescribed…
1-2 months of taking meds regularly…
Feel Great
Forget the meds 1 or 2 days…
Take meds regularly for a week…
Forget the meds for a week straight…
“Screw the meds… this is a pain in the arse and really I feel fine.”
Going about life, all is well…
Gradually over the span of say 6 months… blah feelings, lethargy and obvious minor depression set in… (Well, it’s obvious to Old Man anyways)
Over time it works up to major crying jags and irrational behavior with Old Man and lots of chocolate and beer…
Further leading to conversations like “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds?” or “You know you were doing a lot better on the meds.” from husband… (Which is sort of like making comments about PMS after an argument – it does not go over well.)
Arguments lead to more crying and an appt. scheduled with the Shrink…
Shrink inevitably says “Don’t you think you should be taking your meds???” and “You know you have to take these forever – it’s like insulin.”
Prescription filled. Again.
Rinse, Repeat, Lather.

I have never been good about taking any sort of medication as prescribed. Birth control was lost on me. It is a wonder that I did not become a teen aged pregnancy statistic. I have probably single handedly created a “Super Bug” with my aversion to completing a full course of antibiotics. Which came first the chicken or the egg? I do not take my meds because I need to take my meds to remember to take them. Mind-boggling.

I went through this rigorous screening process to determine if I had ADD. Folks with ADD who also have depression often have problems remembering to take their medication too (did I mention this in my last post?). I thought perhaps there would be a magic pill that would help me get my shit together. I was convinced that this diagnosis would be the answer to all the weird and possibly irresponsible quirks I have become known for…

The new head-shrinker says that while I have signs of Adult ADD, apparently it is not bad enough to justify further medication. I was sort of crushed and I lost it in his office. See, because this is what I heard. “You don’t have ADD, you are just irresponsible.” and “Why can’t you just take your medication you moron?” and also “You’re an asshole and I am locking you up.”

What he actually said was “Have you been hospitalized for depression before?” and “depression causes a lot of what you have described and if you would get on a regular course of meds. and stay on it; you would feel better.” and “Here is a new medication that if you take it regularly for a while should help with all of the ADD symptoms” Did I mention that with this new medication, I have to remember to take it twice a day?

So, for a week the Blackberry has been helping me do that. For a week, I have remembered to take my medication twice a day. I have also had 2 gnarly Anxiety attacks, I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head any minute, and I lie awake at 2:00 a.m. staring at the shadows on my bedroom wall that have transformed into a woman’s face and I swear if she starts talking to me, I will let you all know what she thinks about it all.

Just Call Me Dr. Google… April 16, 2009

When I was a little girl, I was dubbed “A bull in a china shop” by the bitchy Grandma. Wow at 33 years old, I can still hear her saying those words.

Recently, I have been talking to someone who has Adult ADD and she was describing ME.

So I decided to consult Dr. Google. After reading the symptoms I felt as if someone jumped into my brain and typed up all the things I have been struggling with since oh I don’t know… the 4th grade maybe? I took the test, you know the one, at the end it disclaims that it is not a diagnosis but gives you a score and depending on such score it tells you if you should A. Not worry, you’re fine or B. Get thee to a Medical Professional immediately. Well, Dr. Google thought I should get off the damn computer and make an appointment. Apparently the only symptom of this that I did not exhibit was the hyperactivity but it does explain why my feet are always moving… a habit that drives The Old Man bat shit.

My car or my apartment for that matter is a metaphor for what has been happening in my brain as long as I can remember. It is a cluttered, trashy, mess. It is a conscious effort to remember to do simple tasks like brush my teeth or put on deodorant hence I have a whole arsenal of toiletries in my desk drawer at work for such occasions. I have 6 different hair brushes because it is easier to have one in every room so I know I can always find one… but I can NEVER. FIND. ONE! I have never gotten the hang of paying bills, balancing checkbooks, making and sticking to appointments. It is not because I don’t have the money to pay them. There is no reason with my salary that I cannot support our family. Yes, it would still be tight but there is no reason I can’t pay my bills or my rent on time. You know, and it is not because I can’t do the math either. I just can’t bring myself to add those things into my daily regimen… I forget, I procrastinate, and I forget. I totally under/over estimate how long something will take. I start projects only to leave them undone and start sill other projects. I cannot hold my concentration on reading material except if it is really interesting and even then. If it were only one or two of these symptoms, even four? would not mean that I have this problem but I had all but one of them.

My thinking has always been so disjointed and so garbled. I have struggled with a low-grade (and sometimes not-so-low-grade) depression my whole life. Apparently people with ADD are at a higher risk of depression and/or anxiety. In fact ADD often goes undiagnosed because it is attributed to depression/anxiety instead. Those silly ADD folks just can’t seem to take their freaking medicine… imagine that.

So hey, perhaps, these aren’t character flaws. Maybe I am not just an unorganized, undisciplined mess of a failure… maybe this thing has a name. Maybe, if it has a name there is also a solution; a wonder drug perhaps. Maybe I will be able to get my life together for once.

Appointment is set for the end of April.

It is that time of year… April 10, 2009

Peep Photo deleted… apparently nyc dreamer was not amused…—-

I am not Christian. I celebrate the pagan/commercial version of Easter. Now, I believe in God and I love the nice sentiments of what Jesus said when it is not being wildly misconstrued. I do think the last thing he would want to see if he ever graced us with his physical presence would be a cross and quite possibly we would treat him like a psycho cult leader if he ever announced he was here amoung us. All that said… I think the man could get behind the consumption of Peeps in his name.

“Do this in remembrance of me” or “”Body of pastel baby chicks for you.”

Peeps are my favorite part of Easter/Ostara/Spring. I know they make them now for other holidays but for some reason the Easter ones taste a litlte different to me.

My sweet & lovey cousin Nick Nak mentioned a great idea to us one year and we have observed this particular tradition in our house ever since… We roast the pastel baby chicks over a candles flame and eat them toasted to a crisp. It makes this yummy confection that much better.

Peeps don’t last long at our house. They barely make it into the easter baskets. Sometimes the Easter bunny takes a bite out of the Peeps head just to let Mogo know that the bunny likes them too.